the happy face

The Tricky Business of Talking About Christmas

2011-11-23T15:53:00.001-05:00

So, I am writing this because my very dear friend sparked the thought in my head. I wrote a whole novel in reply. Then, I lost it. Berated my netbook, although it's possible I am more to blame than the netbook itself. Then, I told my friend -- Alas, I am going to try it again! She told me good luck with round 2. After writing, I realized -- okay, that's ridiculous. That's a blog post. Into the blog it goes, with some revisions and additions.

Anne's status post:

Repost: If Christmas is all about Christ for you, then so be it. Enjoy it...but Dec 25th is not his real birthday, however it is someone's real birthday and when that guy's followers wish to celebrate it as it is...don't get offended if they insist that Christmas isn't about Jesus. For them, it's not. And don't get offended when people want to celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. Love doesn't insist on it's own way remember? So please don't insist that Christmas is about Jesus. Let people have freedom so they see the kindness of God in you.

For many people, this kind of thing incenses them. Of course, it's about Christ! Why the heck would 'Christ' be in the name if it weren't? Very valid question. And that last bit? Let people have freedom of how they view the day. That is important. God did give us a choice. The why's of it can be addressed another time, perhaps.

Okay, so hard to recapture what I wrote before in reply to her. It was carefully written. (dramatic sigh inserted here). Bear with me as I struggle to put the pieces back together.

You see, it's been awhile since I truly considered what Christmas was. And I had formulated my thoughts of it, however vague and unsharpened and unclarified it may seem now, before I turned atheist. I held some of it during my atheism. You will probably see some of what I mean here.

Easiest starting point: The word itself. Awesome thing for my brain puddle is that this is easily googled and what is found can be summarized. Here it is:

Christmas = Cristes missa = Christ's Holy Mass. That is unavoidable. The very name of the holiday points directly as Christ for the reason, if not for an accurate birthdate. The term 'mass' is liturgical -- The Lord's Supper, the Holy Communion, etc.

(Paraphrased from this. Oh, and this.)

Another fact of the matter is that the pagan ritual of winter festivities and symbolism did have a hand here in the decision of the date of Christ's Holy Mass. Paganism is older, it is ancient, and it did happen before the birth of Christ as the Holy Man on earth. Another hand in the date is that it was a calculation from the supposed time He was conceived. All these facts had an impact and it can be a struggle to understand.

My understanding of it is this, if you will. Christ is older than paganism itself, He is older than man in general, before He became Man. When God created the world, He did it with Christ in mind. (Eph. 1:4; 1 Peter 1:20; amongst many other verses). God is beyond Time, he looks upon it all as a present moment. Christmas is about Christ because we made it so.

However, if you don't believe, that is fine. It is your right to celebrate the holiday in a way that is not about Christ. My only hope is that you celebrate what it is about in general: Home, Life, and Family.

If you celebrate something else other than Christmas, like Hanukkah for example, then naturally I, nor anyone else, cannot tell you to celebrate Christmas instead. Just so we can say Christmas = Christ's day = believe in Christ? I don't think so. I don't know anything about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. I cannot speak for it. I think it's fascinating, and if you believe in the roots of that, then it's easy to see that you should celebrate it!

God did not want man to be robots. He wanted them to have feelings; to come to understand Love. That can't be done without some choices on our part. To do this, Christians, I hope, would show kindness and not insist on their own love to be the way. Insist on Christ's Love in yourself and fellow believers -- that is, to love with Christ in you and not with conditions or judgment.

Peace be to you.

Unconditional: Impossible?

2011-11-15T19:13:00.001-05:00

When I love, I love without expectations.

When I extend mercy, I do it without rewards.

When I'm faithful, I'm faithful without needing reasons.

I don't require justification for the things I do.

I don't require justice for the pain I've gone through.

I look at the changes my soul has undergone,

And I see more beautiful than I see ugly.

You are loved because you are you.

You are needed because you have something to offer.

Broken doesn't cover everything you are,

It's the refining, re-making of you

that raises you above the brokenness.

It is in that alone that you find justice for yourself,

without ever needing to bring justice down on another.

You can be beautiful.

And love unconditionally because of it.

Because Christ in you loves unconditionally.

To Love Anyway

2011-11-01T08:07:00.000-04:00

I’m sitting here with a hot cup of tea early in the morning. It’s the remedy that works for me. My throat feels shredded, my eyes feel swollen. Yet I feel optimistic about the day unfolding before me. I’m having a quiet moment of faith in the world I live in. I’m glad I chose to keep myself hidden away from the online social world I’m addicted to. For now, I muse, write, and do my chores cheerfully.

You know that headspace of quiet faith I’m residing in at the moment? Let me tell you more about that. I feel joyful in God today, thankful that I believe again. You see, when I was young, my faith was unshakable. It was a certainty I lived in. I was a deeply emotional and disturbed child, but that was okay with me. God made me the way I am and I would come through it into a better person. I was unconquerable.

Fast forward to my teenage years. I guess that was my years of rebellion, although it didn’t feel like it to me. I felt shut away from the world, I saw words and intentions that I never wanted to see, my safety was shattered. I wasn’t in rebellion. I was in fear, shock, dismay, and pain. Uncertainty crept in and paranoia took residence. The world wasn’t against me, because the world had enough troubles of its own. I wasn’t against the world, because it was far more personal and familial than that. My comfort rested in stories and structural rhymes.

The Bible wasn’t any help to me at the time. I saw more of the world inside it than I saw what I wanted to see. There were things I couldn’t make sense of -- massacres in the name of God, sacrifices of firstborns, contradicted verses. There were hints of violence, hatred, and shame tucked in the Old Testament, which I was told I couldn’t just separate from the hope and renewal in the New Testament. I wanted to feel safe in my God when no one else could comfort me. Thus, I turned to atheism. I believed, then, He wasn't real because He couldn't comfort me.

This renewed faith is much different than the faith I had as a child. Rather than blind, angry, aggressive, zealot faith, this right here is a newborn babe finding comfort in a Father. Picture a child in a superstore right now. The child wants a toy. The mother would love to give it to him, but she only has $5 left right now after the items she needed to get. The child cannot understand why a $5 could not pay for a $10 toy.

What’s next at this point? There’s two possible scenarios. The first one: The child is angry, the mother is frustrated. He doesn’t understand the mysteries of the adult world. What difference does a $5 and a $10 make? All he wants is the toy. It’s a simple thing that could take care of both people’s frustration right now, right away. The mother is frustrated trying to explain to him while hurrying to get the items paid for so they could go home.

The second one: The child is initially frustrated, but the mother has made it clear to him that the toy is a possibility. Just not right now. In the mean time, she tells him other possibilities while calmly paying for her items. She lets him vent his anger, comforts him, gets him to laugh, and they both are cheerfully leaving. The child has somehow has this subtle faith that while he doesn’t understand, his mother will help him to.

I want the second one. It’s a simplified metaphor for feeling frustrated with God not visibly answering all of our prayers. I want to be the parent He has shown Himself to be, be the friend and person Jesus has shown us how to be. Trust and hope. It’s the metaphor for why we, in faith, often tell others: “God works in ways we don’t understand, we must have faith.” As a child does not understand the ways of his parents just yet. But it may be too simple a metaphor, because it doesn’t encompass the full pain and agony of the world.

I believe I will never fully understand the world around me, nor will I understand why things happen the way they do. I am just a child in so many ways and many of us will always be. The pain we all feel -- we share it. We weep with each other for it. And we don’t sit there and pretend that we know why things happened. We don’t. But the best scenario we could have is to love each other anyway.

That’s my goal. To love anyway, even as I cautiously step through the rubble of my own past and the uncertainty of my future. To trust anyway, reaching out once again to the Father who means so much to me. To believe anyway, past (and within) the Bible and towards the joys of His hands reaching into our lives and changing us in ways we never imagined.

Hell is not within a child who trusts. Heaven is within a blossoming and strengthening relationships we are all capable of cultivating. Trust and hope; there is wisdom in that. Believe in it, even though faith can be such a tender and shakable thing. We’re all stepping through the fire. And it will be okay.

ETA: And because friends have a way of adding additional insights, I'm going to add this:

On children: What it comes down to, honestly, in that metaphor is trust.

Once the trust is deeply embedded, the child is able to navigate the world on his own.

And yes, that trust will get shaken,

but he will always remember it.

He will learn from it.

It's like my previous post on that quote. People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but they will never forget how they made you feel. I honestly see the Bible this way, too. What people said or did... I forget about it. I don't always remember the stories.

I just remember how they made me feel... and how God makes me feel. He makes me feel safe. And I'm okay.

I would never trust in a Being that couldn't make me feel this way. I still have to walk through fire and suffer, but He has my back anyway. That's the parent I'm going to be. And a friend, too, dear.

Nightmare of Lost Teeth

2011-10-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm about to divulge a dark secret. Actually, it's probably not really a dark secret, it's more like a dark little fear. You'll probably laugh. It's kind of appropriate for Halloween. Let's have a little background story.

When I was 12 years old, I pretty much had all my adult teeth. I would peer into a mirror and think that I looked like a little shaggy gap-toothed monster. I had long, untrimmed blonde hair (I wouldn't let anyone touch it). I didn't care. But there was the teeth. It was like something out of a nightmare. Four large front teeth with gaps between each of them. Everything else was small, while still slightly gapped. Four of my 'vampire teeth' (the pointy ones) had this brown stain that I was told came from my continuous bout of pneumonia at a young age.

Still, I declared at a tender young age, "My teeth are strong." I could munch ice and watch the adults around me cringe. I'd bite into lollipops, jawbreakers, and crispy, burnt food with no problem. If I was going to have ugly teeth, I might as well find something good about it. My teeth served a practical purpose and I was going to make them stronger than anyone's!

My grandmother reassured me that my real mother had all this together by 19. My teeth were replicas of hers. Well, 19 has come and gone. I look into the mirror today and still see the gaps. After peering to see if there was a hint of closeness, I'd pull my lips together and frown in disappointment. No one was going to catch a picture of me with an open-mouthed smile.

I began to have recurring nightmares after I turned 19. I honestly thought it was scarier than any silly falling or dying dreams. Sometimes, it varied. In one dream, I would be brushing my teeth and they'd all begin falling out instantly in front of my bathroom mirror because I didn't brush enough. The part I began feeling out of control would be trying to put them all back in. It's similar to the feeling of grabbing a hold of a steering wheel in a dream and flying off a corner, no matter how desperately you were steering in the appropriate direction.

This morning was a different one. I was painting trailer walls, mowing a yard, building an adorable gazebo-type porch, and walking with Steven and the kids through a sweet little forest. We would encounter other small homes and talk to the people out in their yards. In every action, over the course of 'days' as days can be in dreams, I was losing a tooth. I'd say, "Okay, it's just one tooth. It'll be okay." But another would fall out. And another. I looked at Steven in fear and he didn't notice. As far as he could tell, there wasn't a difference. The tipping point was losing a molar, because the nerves were still clinging to it. When that was laying in my hand, I felt faint and woke up. That seems to be a little backward, but there you go.

With that lovely little vision I put in your head, I hope you all have a great Halloween. Don't eat too much candy.

Letters of Thought #1

2011-10-15T18:12:00.000-04:00

Dear friend,

I was sitting in a swing. The sunshine, smell of fresh grass, and thefall breeze all were provocative and seductive things. The playful animals near the garden and the sweatymen swinging their shovel made my eyes happy. In my head, I began this letter for you.

My thoughts today are happy, littlethings peeking over the top of a brick wall. Their thirst drives them beyond the little safe place I’ve constructedfor them. They spill out and rest at myfingers while my feet scrape the dirt beneath. My delight is hidden, until now.

Does my description give your mind’seye something to mull over? Does it make you smile or frown? There is a pointto all this, I assure you. Follow thetrail here.

My mind today is constructed aroundthe very value of our interactions with people. I think there exists a beautiful reality inMs. Angelou’s quote. Most people, theyhardly care what has been said or done, except for what they felt about you. If a moment of word or deed struck them in away they can’t understand yet, it affects their perspective so deeply in laterinteractions. Suddenly, how they feelabout being around you is so colored by this.

People care because we aresocial. Our prime social behavior is seeingand feeling. We connect. We’re buildings and stumbling blocks for eachother. Without knowing it, at times, wedelight in each other and reject the moment later which bruises theprogress. The bruises, though, grow intobeautiful things if we let them. Welearn. We have to or we slip intoobscurity.

We’re explosions of color, shapes,emotions, wants, and needs. Wires reachand cross and click. We steer away fromdanger that destroys and veer closer to risks that beautify and raise up.

People have made me feel like thegrass beneath their feet. Some havelifted me closer to God by his Grace. Touched. Melted. Destroyed. Needed. Unworthy. I remember every single person who has mademe feel things, whatever they may be. Ibuild my guard against what I loathe and create little secret doors to let inthe things I love.

You have made me feel uncomfortableand useless or you have made me feel soaring and worthy. You have made me feel too sensitive or youhave made me feel too abrasive. Traceyour intentions for why you are around certain people. You can inspire how you want people to feelabout you, because it is what you are or it is what you want yourself fromothers. There is therapy in this andthere is poetry. So manypossibilities. It is through this lensthat I feel I can help people and myself in the long run. This is a mutual relationship. Where there is no benefit to anyone or thehour of friendship has grown stale, there lies a grave danger I walk away from.

The electricity that runs under myskin feeds my brain with caution, excitement, and new information. I want to make you feel in ways that you willnever forget. Calm, safe, happy, delighted,home. These are the feelings that I associatemyself so closely with because it’s what I want and it’s what I can give. I want to give. The thing is, I’mcautious about who I give to. And that’sokay.

Whatever you do or say, what peoplewalk away with is how you made them feel. What do you want to make them feel? The power of networking lives and breathes in that.

That’s all. The end.

Sincerely,

Me.

St. Irene the Great Martyr (Or Hello Storm!)

2011-08-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

The title is not witty, no. I just particularly like the name Irene (and Eileen). Right now, curled up in a tiny living room in the view of leaves reflecting the light of afternoon sun, I'm catching up on the news of Irene -- the hurricane of 2011. Light has suddenly flooded my living room and I'm conscious of being nestled in the mountains of East TN as I track Hurricane Irene on my laptop.

As I watch, she becomes controversial in sparking two groups of people. One group is scoffing at the people's concern over the hurricane, thinking they are being too hysterical and just causing major hype. The other group is focused on securing their families and homes in preparedness and awareness. Both are valid.

She's a Category 3, currently her epicenter is not far from the shores of SC and NC. From the looks of several different maps (here), sometime tomorrow we will be getting 5% of the storm barely brushing us. That means there will be a severe storm with mild flooding for us. (source)

So, let me tell you something. Before rushing into either groups, settle your priorities and stay aware. Here are a few information to start off with.

Category 3: winds that range from 111-
130 miles per hour with a storm surge of 9 to12 feet. There is foliage torn from trees; large trees blown down as well as all poorly constructed signs blown down. Some structural damage to small residences and utility buildings. Mobile homes are destroyed. Severe Coastal Flooding. (Source)

That means the damage will be extensive in the path and fringes of this hurricane. Just because it is not at a catastrophe level (5) does not mean you shouldn't be aware that power will go out, homes will get flooded, and people in different circumstances will need aid.

Second, this is an unique path the hurricane is taking. So, the reason for a lot of the hype, even if everything turns out to be less than we thought, is that a lot of the states are unprepared for hurricanes. Especially in the Northern region and in regions the hurricane may be hitting hard that's never been quite hit before. The hurricane also is fluctuating major, with some changes in direction. A lot of it is highly unpredictable and uncertain. It always is, really.

However, the fears of some people is that it can turn into a Hurricane Katrina all over again, causing major damage. Let me note here that a lot of the damage occurred from a breach in the levee in the aftermath. So, that concern, while understandable, isn't necessary.

This entire post was inspired by a few comments on Huffington post, which I already previously linked above that provided the maps of reference. After reading same things over and over ("I've been through this before, y'all are stupid for worrying" is the theme shared with commentators), I hit on a two nice gems and it's something everyone needs to read. The survivalist in me, as well as in my small group of family and friends, still suggest active preparedness. I hope this helps anyone who reads.

To East coast residents from a Florida resident and hurricane survivor many times over. Please don't get too obsessed with the center point or exact landfall of the hurricane. This one has tropical force winds (up to 73 mph) 250 miles out from the center. With all the rain you had already this is recipe for a lot of downed trees. The trees will block the roads and cut off power. Fortunately you should all be on the "good" (right quadrant) side of the storm. Get your supplies together now. At least three days worth of food and water. Power can be out for a few days to a few months. Fill bathtubs and washing machines with water to wash with. Red cross and religious groups will arrive with ice and water well before Fema & the government. The lines will be long, be patient. Find emergency shelters now for special needs patients. Plan for your pets. Good Luck, watching a hurricane move thru is an adventure and can be exciting. However the aftermath is tortuous. (Comment by Stormy21856)

As a veteren of Andrew in 1992 I second this advice. Now here I am in SE PA awaiting something few here understand and just as few are preparing for. It's absurd the lack of preparation people are taking. As of today the gas lines are begining to get ugly, the stores are getting crowded and the supplies are running low. Myself, I was finished on Weds. and needed to only top off the gas in the vehicles we own. I hope it is for nothing but know just as well it might not be enough. I'd rather be under prepared than completely unprepared. (Comment by Erswnn)

My next few suggestions:

Pay attention to the storm. Don't concern yourself with what people's opinions are.
Those who are not getting hit by the storm, support those who are going to be in the path of it. Provide information on hurricane preparedness and a few words of kindness.
Be prepared for anything! Be willing to understand you won't ever be fully prepared, but that you are taking steps to take care of your family and your home the best that you can.

Other stuff on hurricane preparedness:

Hurricane Preparedness Links

That's all! :)

May God keep watch over us all.

Reva Speaks

2011-08-23T18:32:00.001-04:00

I was digging for my old Bible yesterday, along with a few other things from those young years of faith. I never did find those specific things. I came across Blue Like Jazz that a great friend of mine gave me in high school. I never read that until yesterday, which I completed in a feeling of peace. I also had found a couple of other books.

I'm sitting on the verge of a cold, achy and tired and drained. I decided to read one book in particular from 1981 that had been taken from Steven's grandmother's house when she died recently. It's called Daily Guideposts 1981, which is stories for each day by different people. I just hit on February 18th, 1981. I deeply wanted to share this, so here it is.

When the Bible Speaks To Me

Mark 5:25-34

There is a story tucked quietly in the fifth chapter of Mark that holds a strange fascination for me. It's a story of few words but it never ceases to rise on the wings of my imagination and stir inexplicably to life . . .
A surging crowd sweeps Jesus through the streets of Capernaum. Somewhere in the press and clamor an unnoticed shadow slips quietly up behind Him. There is the delicate brush of fingertips across His robe. Just the slightest of touches. And immediately, with the suddenness of cracking thunder, Jesus stops and turns in the crowd. His eyes light on a woman trembling at His sandals. For a moment, the masses melt away and there is only Jesus and this one who unobtrusively reached for the fringe of His garment, one who somehow thought if only she touched Him, she would be healed. Jesus gazes at her and calls her "daughter". And in this shining little encounter the woman finds the wholeness she was seeking.
What is it about this simple tale that thrills me? The outstretched hand of a woman's shy faith? The suddenness with which Jesus stopped? The tenderness that shaped the word daughter? Yes, all of these . . . but something more. For whenever I read this story, I keep looking over my shoulder into my own life . . . to a day when I slipped quietly into a crowded hospital chapel, shadowed with dark fears. I was facing surgery to remove a breast lump. I looked about. So many had come to press their needs to Jesus. I sank unnoticed on the last pew, thinking if I could somehow reach the rim of Christs's presence, I would find help. I barely remember lifting my hand toward the altar . . . an unconscious gesture, I'm sure. Just five quiet fingers reaching His way. And suddenly, Christ seemed to turn in the crowd. I sensed His warm, lighted Presence stop beside me. I felt my spirit fill with peace and courage and hope . . . the wholeness I was seeking.
And there is the real truth. I'm drawn to Mark's story because I see myself there. The woman's face is my face; her hesitant touch is my own groping reach. The irresistible beauty of the story is recognizing myself in it - discovering that God can do for me what He did for the woman in Capernaum. Can, and later did. Just as He will anytime His infinite love is brushed with the fingertips of faith.

With the dusty smell and sturdy feel of this book in my hands, reading this filled me with total love and peace. I hope you can imagine the dusty smell of an old, almost unidentifiable book, the white hard cover, and the sturdy feel of a thick book in your hands. All those senses engaged as the feelings of joy take you over.

That, to me, is what faith is all about. I felt sure I could sense Reva speaking, for she was one of the most faithful women I know. I saw her love in this book, in some of her gentle scribbles. I'm glad I came across it and am grateful for a touch of Reva that was brilliantly illumined by the love of Christ.

Friday Friends: Part 1

2011-08-05T15:20:00.005-04:00

Friday. The term that evokes a sense of happiness, eagerness, and a huge dose of relief. Well, for most people, anyway. I'm making Friday a sort of #FF type thing that often goes on in Twitter, bringing more focus on following. The difference is, you're going to check out my friends. Most of them are in the sidebar.

These people are meant to be thought-provoking in a deeply spiritual sense. They are bold and brave. I picked out the specific posts from them that really made me sit back in shock and think. It helped me to really form into words the things I'd been thinking on the past few months and to give it fresh angles from all sides.

Granted, you may have seen me post these on facebook if you follow me there. Today, the theme is following Christ and understanding love.

Favorite Posts -- in the past week.

Pagan Kinfolk. by Soul Liberty Faith (Sister Lisa)

Excerpt: About a month ago, I was inspired to volunteer for a work day with some local Pagans. The thing that inspired me? Seeing Christian mom bloggers bashing Pagan mom bloggers and watching the Pagans have more grace than many Christians did. The kindness they expressed while suffering from the cyber ‘witch hunt’ stopped me dead in my tracks.

Jesus In a Dilemma by Beyond Evangelical (Frank Viola)

Excerpt: There’s a great deal of emphasis today on being like Christ. This is commonly tied into and even defined as “discipleship.” The way to be like Christ, it is taught, is by imitating His behavior. I believe that this emphasis is correct. But it’s not complete.

Christian leaders have been telling God’s people that they must “be like Christ” for the last six hundred years (at least). The well-known book by Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, was published around 1418.

Stitches in the Veil by Commandments of Men (Lewis Wells)

Excerpt: This is among the most beautiful of all passages in the scriptures. A holy God separated from His people by their sin, a perfect Lamb offering sinless blood, entering the Holy of Holies on our behalf, becoming the open door as our eternal High Priest through which we can now approach the very throne of our loving, holy, beautiful God. No more sacrifice. No more ceremony. No more separation. The veil which served to protect men from God's holiness, separating Him from all but the human high priest (who entered only once a year), 60 feet in height, 30 feet in width, 4 inches thick, now torn from top to bottom...replaced by the Open Door: Jesus Christ.

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian by Eric Pazdziora (I am so getting better at typing out his last name)

Excerpt: There’s this sermon I’ve heard a few dozen times. You’ve probably heard it too. It goes like this. Some Christians are really passionate and sold out for the Lord. They do great things. They live righteously. They don’t do anything that could be considered worldly. They only listen to Christian music. They have biblical family values. They’re on fire.

And others? Well, they’re “lukewarm Christians.” Sure, they say they believe, but they’re not that committed. They show up in church to warm the pews, but they still do worldly things. You should see the way they dress and those movies and music they listen to! If only they knew all the right things to do so they could be on fire like us. Jesus says, “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth” (Rev. 3:16). That, strong children, is why you have to be on fire for the Lord. Let us pray.

My Independence Day Part 1 by Quicksilver Queen (Anne Moser)

Excerpt: Online stuff was pretty much the extent of my social life for many years. We didn’t have interactions with other families very much, and I didn’t really have friends my age. There was this one family who had a daughter whom I was friends with, but when she moved out of her parents’, my parents forbade us to have any contact with her anymore. She was the last “real” friend I was ever close to. As a result, my social life became who I met on the internet.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did, even if for a moment deciding to read only for the sake of curiosity and hoping to learn something new.

This Friday, I am focusing so much more on how to extend the kindness and wisdom towards my stepchildren. Lately, I have reined in my impatience and snippy nature. I am bonding with them better than ever before. Believe it or not, these posts up (regardless *AHEM Lewis* of the fact that some of them of target a different issue that I'm learning so much about*) there inspire me to think deeper, feel deeper, and allow myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit within. I am slowly overcoming guilt and disconnection I felt with my little family. I'm also realizing that I'm drawn to certain topics because I went through it to a small degree and in a different name. Thanks to Anne Moser for that one.

* Lewis did not make the horrid sin of typing out 'irregardless'. However, he poked fun at me for obsessing. So, I am calling him out on it here just for fun! Cheers, Lewis. :P

The button below is for putting into the particular blog post (of your own if you chose that) you shared. Each button will have a different link inside the code, for leading back to a particular Friday Friends day.

It's your turn. Who do you want to follow this Friday? You can post your own blog post for us to follow or someone else's who has inspired you this particular PAST week.

Conversion, Reverence, and Purpose

2011-07-17T16:45:00.001-04:00

This stepmama is getting busy. Let me explain.

My biggest thing lately has been this verse: "He who has ears, let him hear." - Mark 4:9.

I've been struggling with listening and hearing, my entire life. I was born hearing, became deaf for approximately 14 years, and got implanted with a cochlear device for 8 years now.

I've struggled with identity. I have never identified myself as big D Deaf, nor even little d deaf. I've never identified as hearing, or hard of hearing, or someone with any degree of hearing loss. Those kind of identities required explanations that I couldn't give coherently. So, I simply was. If I couldn't hear, I either said I couldn't hear or pretended to hear. If I heard what was said, I said, "Gotcha. (nod)"

So, I struggled with a burden I felt upon me to ease into a ministry that I suddenly felt responsible for. The most I had to give, that people wanted to hear about, was cochlear implants. Not Sovereignty Empire nor anything else I attempted to start up. Those had vague purpose and not-so-clear definition of what I had to offer. Those were ignored. But cochlear implants? That was grabbed onto with all the vigor of a need to understand and relate to.

Then, with all the signs given to me, all the messages, and all the insistence of a divine being greater than me, I bowed to reverence. I gave up my atheist identity and slid to my knees in faith. Then, I was led repeatedly back to my cochlear implant identity. "Listen and help them to listen." My kingdom is God's kingdom. And this little piece of kingdom of mine rests upon hearing.

As it always has been and always will be in my life. So, my identity? I'm a writer who listens with whatever available tools God has given me. Then, I write what I hear. I offer my heart to those who need it. I offer my story to those who lack understanding. I offer a ministry to those who need faith and healing.

Therein lies my reverence and my purpose. There, along with my wonderful role of housewife and stepmother, is my journey. A renewed mind takes shape of the life it now must live.

And you can join it, if you are so compelled to, at Heart to Ear.

Critical: Spirit Battery Low

2011-07-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have ignited the urgency of my soul. Messages have been flashing at me -- everything I must look at became a neon sign of urgency. Listen, listen, listen! I am speaking to you, it says. Your husband needs you. Your home needs you. Your children needs you. LISTEN.

The Calling
Time to refresh that battery and back up a little bit.

The past month has been interesting, to say the least. I've been reminded, consistently, of my blessings. You see, the way my husband and I got together years ago was convoluted! It was no coincidence. We became each other's confidante and best friend. We fell in love and stayed in love. We went through fire and hell to be together, our relationship being refined to unique strong metal. It was destined and even I, as an skeptic, believed it with every fiber of my being.

Now, like every other man on Earth, my husband is weak. He is human. But his distinction? He finds strengths in his weaknesses. He is stronger everyday. He is diligent and persistent. He finds strength in Jesus. He holds me and his children up, sometimes to his detriment as he did with his previous marriage. He is growing in wisdom, always open, always learning. He is tough and he has always been beautiful.

Now, like every other woman on Earth, I am weak. I have been weak - I have been depressed and ignorant. I am stubborn. I was an atheist, resistant to anything that would give me strength believing that I must be accountable for my own strengths. But I am powerful, also. I was powerfully made to do whatever I must do, to achieve the calling that blares like a siren inside of me. And my husband prayed. He prayed for me, while I remained ignorant of that.

The Responsibility
Information and words like responsibility and accountability kept rising up in the forefront of my mind as they were thrown at me. Listen.

Only the thing is, they kept being associated with God. Biblical principles rise up before my eyes. The calling to be a housewife, to be the ultimate caretaker and steward of what was entrusted to me, pushed out like a seeking light of a Lighthouse. Listen.

The promises that everything and everyone I loved would be renewed and cared for and rewarded if I would just ... Listen.

The wisdom I had long sought for and the life I wanted to live would be obtainable if I just ... Listen.

Listen, for I am speaking to you!

And So. I Listened.
I read what I was led to read -- blogs, books, verses.
I did what I felt compelled to do -- pray, talk to my husband about it, observe, and open up to possibilities.
I listened to people who opened themselves up to me.

I became gradually aware of one thing.

It was no little thing I was doing. I was acknowledging that my spirit battery was low. Oh, so very low. I was dragging my family into a downward spiral of laziness, weariness, and negativity. I was pinched everywhere with worry. I looked into the future, thinking there was truly nothing I could to to improve it -- especially for my beloved as he deserved so much better. He was truly a gift to me. I knew he'd figure something out, but I wasn't truly holding myself accountable for becoming part of the solution. I held myself back, fearing that I would only make things worse.

And yet, the siren blares. Oh no, you're going to take responsibility and I'm going to help you! It says. Stern, and yet kind. In everything, that was the message pulsating with color, light, and love. To lead, you must know how to serve. To serve, you must acknowledge a servant can become the most powerful leader. For the most stubborn in me, that is a difficult thing to assimilate.

I am needed and loved, as much as I needed my husband and loved him. Here we are. My husband took my hand and said, "We'll do this journey together." And together, we walked into the unknown with our hearts wide open.

Scary, but liberating.

Diving Deep: A Letter

2011-06-25T16:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Husband,

I write this today with a soft heart and a quiet mind. Right now, I am listening to you talk and watching your face play out in serious or amused expressions. I am reminded of diving into a fresh bed with clean sheets and even better blankets. Feeling the warmth all around. Or jumping into a cool pool with the sun shining hotly overhead. The feeling that everything was designed by God to be experienced to the fullest and beyond imagination.

The last few days certainly had that feeling of diving deep. Most of the time, we’re at home. Our mornings begin with intimacy. Our day is filled with home - baking crackers, fixing sandwiches, eating home-grown vegetables. Our evenings end with soft talk and snuggling. Summer is bearing down with its heat and I revel in it. As much as I revel in your love.

The children grasp us by the hand, talks to us, almost demands that we look into their face. I adore the moments I find you with a kid in one arm, a kid under another, and heads bowed over something especially interesting like a game or a drawing. You are often moving with purpose, your mind moving in most elaborate of gears. You flow, that strong current that often takes me by surprise. Firm voice, firm meaning. A solid ground that sometimes give way to a restful hill and trees that bear amazing fruits.

You pray silently. Sometimes I wonder how you pray, but I know you do it. I watch for it. And I know you receive blessings. And I know this is how life should be. Our days aren’t always smooth, but we are always united. Our home smells like home, sounds like our children’s laughter and bickering, feels like the playfulness of our dogs. My home is in you.

You move me. God has blessed me with you.

Always,
Your Wife

The Happy Couple

2011-06-21T17:31:00.001-04:00

What makes a happy housewife?

Clean house. Check.

Clean, fed, clothed, loved, hugged, happy children. Check.

Dogs fed, watered, loved. Check.

Laundry moved and folded. Check.

Okay, that's all well and good. But the happiest is when I realize just how much my Husband and I have invested in our relationship. When I see the love and trust wrap us up for the long haul.

When we are a happy couple.

Most relationships are invested differently. People live our their lives and values and beliefs in variety of ways. Heck, they aren't always 'couples'. They are trios, quads, or more. I can't imagine how much fun the math in that would be for the mathematicians. Look at us, for example.

Components of our Coupledom:

Monogamous.
Belief in Light, Love, and God.
Husband was divorced before he married me.
Husband has 4 children, making me the stepmother of 4.
No biological child of our own yet.
This is my first marriage, and my 2nd serious relationship in life.
Together for 3 years, known each other for 7 years.
He grew up here in TN, I grew up (approx 85% of my life) in NC.

Being a happy couple doesn't always mean everything is easy, void of tribulations, and everyone has a smile pasted on their face 100% of the time. No, we're happy with what we have. We're happy with our lives, even as hardships come our way. We're happy to be together, to have been brought together. We're happy to be a family. But we fight. We're annoyed sometimes. We pitch fits over silliness. We get grumpy for no good, obvious reasons. We yell when we are angry.

So, what do we do?

How are we so happy?

The reality of it is that being a couple can be such a simple thing. It's the people involved that causes complications. It's the people outside that puts the pressure down on the couple bubble. What do we do to deal with all of it and be such a happy couple?

We are constantly learning something new about each other, and we stay open to that.
We keep the promises we make each other.
We adhere to full disclosure. My business is his business and vice versa. I pretty much know all the communications with others involved in his life, as he does with mine. Chances are, if you've sent me something, he's read it.
We are constantly intimate with each other, privately.
We stay honest, transparent, and open with each other.
Communication is always improved upon. What annoys him? What ticks her off? How do we get our message and needs across (especially with a deaf spouse)? He really helps me communicate with others, since I do not always hear well. That earns him a very deep, special place in my heart!
We are respectful and considerate of what makes each other happy or resentful. (I get easily bitter if he leaves me alone in social situations).
No secrets with each other.
We also make room for ourselves -- our quiet time, our writing time, our hobbies.
We make room for others -- our kids, our family, our parents.
We are respectful and loving towards each other's respective families - mine in NC, his here. We interact with them with genuine love and hope for understanding, despite my social anxiety issues (yes, even within families).
I try to never interfere with his parenting, or criticize him, because he rarely ever does to me.
We are open about our problems and happiness and learning with our kids. We learn all the time and our kids should see that. They learn from us the most! And learning about how relationships work beautifully comes from their family. This is a critical part of our relationship -- kids are very important to us and if one of us does not recognize the importance, the relationship is pretty much doomed. I have seen many parent-stepparent relationship fail because the stepparent can't handle the kids or is childish about it. Be open to the fact that your Husband/Wife will spend a lot of their time with the kids, and that they will want you to be involved.
Simply, we love each other. We say this often and show this often. One way of showing it is to show appreciation for what he does and for what she is.
Allow each other to grow and be themselves. I love my Husband just the way he is, and I never take away his freedom to be himself, to grow into the kind of person he wants to be.

The list is longer than I thought it would be. But that is the surface of what it takes to be a happy couple. It is all important and all of that is BASIC. Recognizing the basic human need to be loved, appreciated, and free. Start with that, with the love and honesty, and you will be fine.

The Bittersweet Life of a Stepmother

2011-06-20T16:12:00.000-04:00

There is a bit of romance in my calling to be a housewife and stepmother, first and foremost. Nothing was contrived or forced, everything just fell into place. My heart was nudging along to a better place. Nothing made me happier than the courtship of Life - in that Life has taught me more patience, more kindness, more tolerance. It has taught me softness in a loud world, peace within chaos, and love in a world of hatred. My world is right when I make my home a home for my Husband and my little lovelies.

It's easy to fall prey to unkind and bitter thoughts. You see, those children are not mine biologically. They are from the broken union between my husband and his former wife. They are still loved by both. And while I deeply love my lovelies, I sometimes feel that I am not good enough. That biological love goes further than I ever could.

It's easy to think and see that --

I am not good enough.
We are pulling the children in several different directions, no matter how hard we try not to.
One thing should somehow be better than the other.

The arrogance of people and even myself astounds me sometimes. It is in the knowledge that we never know everything that I grow the most. And it is in the knowledge that unseen things are powerful forces. It is with this knowledge that I seek to beautify Life, glorify Light, and pursue honest energy. In seeking, I acknowledge that in my core is little ole me. Just me. And it is me that reflects into all the significant roles I play in life, especially being a stepmother. Being a daughter, cousin, niece, sister, mother, wife, and homemaker -- these are all incredibly important to me.

There is wisdom to be found in these three, beautiful children that are part of my life. There is wisdom within the lives they live with us. There is wisdom in the family that surrounds us (I think of my mother in law and my mother as I write this).

I am imperfect. In the role of the stepmother and wife, I am imperfect. I enjoy this imperfection -- it is exciting, wild, and chaotic. It is romantic, this courtship with Life that I have. It is the rough river that led me to a sunny spot in the glade, which I continue to explore. Always exploring. I am growing, little lovelies. And I love you so deeply, little ones and Husband. I also see you all grow, in the shade and in the sun, and I will always be there for you.

His Courage - His Fatherhood - My Husband

2011-06-19T15:50:00.002-04:00

{This was entered in 'My Husband Rocks!' over at Time Warp Wife!}

His Courage - His Fatherhood - My Husband

He walks in faith, light, love, and kindness. He is quick to anger, but holds himself accountable until he is calm. He is honorable and respectful. He is hilarious and quick to laugh, to make a joke, to lighten the moment.

The man stays constantly on the move, his strength is in how far he can go for how long. He was dealt bad blows and emotionally wore down by the tides of selfishness and cruelty from even within his own home. He was always there for his children, nonetheless, always loved them deeply, and always kept his hand out to them. His other strength lies in his fatherhood, in deeply abiding in faith to grow and evolve as a father for them. He is imperfect, and yet, always happy to learn.

And then, there's me. After being knocked down not only once but more times than he cares to count, he still found light and love in me. He shelters me from harm and anxiety. He touches my face in a gentle caress to get my attention. He makes an effort to communicate smoothly with me, in many forms. As a husband, he simply rocks. He is capable of defusing any irritability or anger in me, while maintaining control of his own issues. He allows me to soothe him when he is angry or upset, curling himself around me.

Our relationship grew stronger when our values were found entwined and inspiring. We valued the home and family above all else. He guides me, I nurture him, we stand united with his children. His father shows the same love for Steven's mother. They work together, get irritated at each other, but always, they fulfill their promises to each other at the end of the day.

That is the model of love and family. That is the model of Fatherhood - that he walks the tough road willingly, knowing that life is messy and beautiful all at once. And here, in my heart, we are the model of a strong relationship.

My husband rocks.

As a father and as a soulmate.
More than I could really say in this little entry!

Happy Father's Day, sweetie.
I pray you will be blessed with
many more years of Father Days to come!

Honor in the Family

2011-06-12T19:23:00.000-04:00

Today, I've been throwing the word 'honor' around. Finding its sound with my mouth, testing the heavy meaning of it as it suspended in the air before me. It's a word that resonates strongly with my latest experiences. Those experiences just re-affirm over and over again what I've known in the past two years -- the importance of honor in the family.

My husband's family exalts each member. They build them up, acknowledge close ties, and shows the highest respect. They embrace, peck on the cheek, and never forget their last conversation with you. They're sensitive to issues of each member, always quick to show kindness, and enjoy their every minute with each other.

They intimately know the term "honor". I was musing out loud to Steven about the importance of me honoring him as my husband. He said, "It goes both ways, I won't abide treating you dishonorably". There is a certain older couple we knew, that really brought the issue up in my mind. The husband shoes no respect for his wife, and yet, as deeply Christian as she is, she shows respect for him. She treats him with honor -- taking care of every need, building him up as the head of the household, neglecting her own needs for the most part.

Then, she made a stand for herself. It is in that I find the ultimate respect. Self-honor, especially when your significant other does not treat you well, is important. An important foundation! I can see how the lack of honorable treatment, respect, and no acknowledgment towards how important your role is in the lives of others (wife, mother) can be such an erosion of health. Being so willing to erode that well-being of your partner over the years shows no love. Not true, unconditional love. And I cannot see Christ (in the teachings of Christianity) abiding that, when he so preached love to be given without conditions. Putting strings upon your love does not appear honorable.

I have no official faith. And yet, I find important messages in daily life that shows me how important it is to honor family. I do not ignore them, especially as I flourish in caring for others who matter so much to me. I take lessons from those who do it well, while building up my intentions into true reality of what it really means to honor someone. Not just to show honor (that's easy), but to truly honor someone in your mind and it shows as a genuine deal when you interact with them.

Honor - a privilege, praiseworthiness, respect, highest form of esteem, worthy, keeping your word or your end of the bargain.

For my husband, he is worthy of respect. He holds the highest esteem in my life. He is a privilege that I get to have. He keeps his word, his promises. He goes out of his way to show respect and kindness to others. He is honorable.

There is a sweet blessing in that, truly.

The Happy Housewife

2011-06-10T19:38:00.001-04:00

Inspired by A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.

I've been deeply touched by homemakers of many faith, mainly due to this contest over at Circle of Moms. Click on that, I dare you. You will find homemakers and mothers who are Pagan, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and many more. The contest has ended, but you will find your favorites in that list. They deserve your readership.

My faith is not any specific thing.

I am so inward, so questioning, so skeptical. But my life's purpose is to maintain my home. To be the happy housewife. To serve my family. It seems to me that some classic old prose, either from the Bible or from a beautiful pagan musings, really had it down pat when it comes to love, home, and family.

My thing may not be your thing. My ultimate goal is to serve, but not be a servant. To assume the role of a nurturing homemaker, run the household smoothly, and keep everyone healthy, fed, clothed, and loved. To welcome friends and family into a comfortable, welcoming home. I find that I am happiest when I've done these things, that this is my peace within chaos.

The Casual Housewife.

I don't endorse wearing the apron or 50's retro outfit. In fact, I endorse personal comfort. Clean, fresh clothes put on in the morning (usually jeans and tanktop), sandals or tennis shoes, and hair slicked back into a ponytail.

I don't endorse slaving away every second of the day. I let the day flow, while managing my time wisely. I rest, play, pull out weeds, write, laugh, read, chase, run, cook, clean, do laundry, bathe, apply makeup, dance, continue the cycle of dishes, scrub surfaces, and more. I make my home a wonderful place to be, for my husband and for my stepchildren. Mainly for my husband, he is the ultimate person I nurture and care for. He is the one who keeps everything going, motivates me, and handles the bills. He is the one who makes me the happiest, so much so that I can't seem to do enough for him.

Believe it or not, I adore this:

"She inspires him him courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path." (Source)

What All This Really Is.

A Home
A Wife
A Mother

These are all words that invoke or should invoke a sense of security, warmth, affection, loyalty, passion, kindness, and peace within chaos. Each of them are a haven unto their own, each of them saying, “You belong here -- in my heart, in my home.”

Each time I clear up clutter, I’m making a clear space for new messes.
Each time I tuck fresh blanket on a made bed, I’m giving them a clean place to lay in.
Each time I clean dishes, I give a sense of orderly kitchen with ready-to-use dishes for fresh foods.
Each time I clean the floors, it makes every room smell fresh and makes my kids enjoy running across them all that more. It welcomes my husband across the room.
Each time that I put away laundry, I give my husband an easier access while feeling less rushed.

Each person in this house has a place to be in. They’re the happiest when they can find things, run around without knocking something over, and they don’t smell dust or pee. Air is cleared. Floor is cleared. And I’m always ready to take care of a need. At the end of the day, we’re all at peace with each other, just fully appreciating what home and family is right here with us.

That is my ultimate goal in life. It has nothing to do with femininity and everything to do with what makes me truly happy. I assert my independence by doing as much as I can *myself*, while allowing my husband to do what he wants after all the hard work he already does. I am happiest at home, therefore I strive to make it a happy home for my husband and the kids (furry and non). That is the first priority of the happy housewife.

Finally, the housewife knows it takes a foolish woman to not realize everything there is to appreciate with this house, her husband, and her rather large family. To not appreciate it, love it so fully, and nurture it to the highest possibility. No, I’d rather be the wise woman.

Linked up at:

A Complicated Situation.

2010-12-22T23:02:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know. It's been a long time since I've written in this blog, with no readers to boot! However, a personal blog is a nice little space for venting and thinking out loud for solutions.

You know, sometimes a complicated situation has a way of surprising you with simple solutions. In our case, I'm really not seeing it.

Here's the lowdown.

Divorce arrangement calls for half-way meeting point. This means either we meet Steven's ex-wife halfway for 3 times in a row so the kids can be shuffled between both states. This is a 60+ trip loaded on everyone involved. OR we pay the ex-wife half the transportation cost to visit here and visit with the children, that's a total of 20+ hrs for one round trip on her part. Last Thanksgiving, we did the second option.
This Christmas, Christy had no other place to stay. She asked to stay with us, I said no. I told her the cost of the nearest, cheapest hotel I could find ($300 total). She said either we paid her gas or her hotel. We negotiated for a while and ended up agreeing to doing the 3 trips so the kids have Christmas in TX and TN. We get the girls the first weekend, she takes all 4 on the 2nd weekend, we get the boys on the third weekend. (Girls are in her custody, boys in our custody).
Tricky situation is the transportation. We got hit with a deer on the way down to pick up the girls in Steven's MOTHER'S vehicle -- the same woman who has given us money time and time again to deal with complicated situations just like these. Now she is getting her jeep repaired. My car is NOT going to make it. Even if it was, someone is going to have to sit in someone else's lap for 9+ hrs straight before trading off into their mother's minivan to ride another 9+ hrs to TX. Steven's truck is NOT going to fit 6 people and luggage. Now, we are looking at $600 we don't have to rent a van to be able to take all four kids down to Mississippi (the half-way rendezvous).
The Math. Van rental situation: Enterprise, or any other company, are not renting out on 24th, 25th, and 26th. That means we have to rent on Thursday, and return it on Monday. Figures. That's a total of approximately $600 right there, an accumulated total from rental charge, mileage surcharge, and gas.

Wow, writing that did NOT help. We did not foresee that this situation would turn out to be so costly and stressful. After all, the original calculations was that paying Christy half the transportation and making the trip ourselves would be about the same. Hence why we agreed to the "original agreement" of meeting halfway. But perhaps someone out there has an idea for me?

Not So Happy Face Today

2010-08-11T19:21:00.000-04:00

I prefaced the day with a text to Steven, "It's times like this that I don't feel like I deserve anything".

It started with cramps, and a groan that I'm basically having my friendly enemy visit me this week. You know, Miss Flo and I would get along so much better if it didn't hurt so damn bad. I appreciate her for the value that she's an important process of my body (Hear that, Miss Flo? I totally do appreciate you! By the way, you need a better name. I'll think of one.). But something is wrong if that important process has to be so debilitating. It's wrong if it makes me cry for two days straight while curled up in an useless ball. That's what makes her an enemy to me - ever since I was 13. It just gets worse the older I get.

Before I sent that text to Steven, I had finished rubbing lotion on my belly and on dry spots on my body like elbows and knees after a hour's worth of sitting in the shower with the hot water pounding on my back or belly whichever way I sit. I frowned at the bulge of my belly and the paleness of my face. I frowned at how wide my thighs are. I was disgusted touching my own belly that has a set of belly all on its own. I didn't bother looking at anything else and got dressed quickly. It was depressing. I was depressed. I had strange, silly thoughts to the effect of deserving = beauty. I mean, even just inner beauty... if I had that to shine past all the physical aspects that society shuns so much.

Other people seem to me to carry that extra weight better than I do. They look beautiful, no matter what. I was never disgusted with them, I never noticed the weight as something bad or ugly or wrong. Some of them are even more gorgeous with that extra weight. Yet, to me, I carried it all wrong and I just didn't have the vibe of just simple beauty. Not enough confidence, just yet. Why couldn't I just be pretty no matter what? What does it matter if I have a little bit of extra chin or a rather larger bottom?

So, I sent the text. After I experienced those thoughts and felt the gloom shrouding me despite a sunny morning, I logged onto facebook. Of course, someone had posted a link: The Shape of a Mother. I've been there before; it's a beautiful site with beautiful concept and truths. It doesn't apply to me quite yet. However, that site gave me something unexpected. The wonders of quick-second internet led me to something I hadn't been to before; The Body Image Revolution AND Health At Every Size. How neat. However, my mood said "Fuck you" to the computer screen.

But guilt pervaded. Here, Steven loves me no matter what. He perceives me the way I wanted to be perceived and he has that perception all on his own from the beginning. To send him that text is to insult that honesty, the way he beholds me quietly and simply. He is beautiful and worthy, even if he doesn't find himself so. So, at Health of Every Size, I clicked on the Pledge. Maybe it's not with full conviction, maybe I do it with some doubts. But once I'm over this bump, I know I will see value in finding beauty in myself. If I can find beauty in most anything else, aren't I worthy enough to have that self-respect?

There is such raw truth to the Pledge that it does touch me and snap me out of the ridiculous self-loathing that benefits no one. More importantly, it doesn't benefit me. It actually dishonors others if I spout stuff about self-honor and do not do honor myself in all actuality. I'm a hypocrite. But I also learn. I am proud of that, of being open to possibilities, to honor, to integrity, and to digging deep into myself. It's so important to me that I learn from my experiences. I value that above all else. So, here I am, tired, drained, and hurting a little bit. But I'm open. I signed the Pledge.

Health at Every Size is based on the simple premise that the best way to improve health is to honor your body. It supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control). Health at Every Size encourages:

Accepting and respecting the natural diversity of body sizes and shapes.

Eating in a flexible manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite.

Finding the joy in moving one’s body and becoming more physically vital. I pledge my support for HAES.

Oh Oh Don't Go I Miss You So

2010-08-10T02:08:00.000-04:00

Summer vacation has officially come to an end, as all good things do. But they always return. Today is the second day of school. Today is an ending and a new beginning, too, of things left untold in the internet world. I might tell you later one day.

We are letting go of a lot of things here lately. Resentment and bitterness is a cycle beginning to fade. We don't miss what brought us down and we are more than prepared to just let that go. We spent two weeks just clearing up the house of things, talking about things that have been dragging us down, and in the end, we move on. Today is going to be a really good closure on some things.

The girls of Casa de Ghillie and Atlanta has become the girls of Texas. Steven's 6 year old and 14 year old daughters are in main custody of their mother. We miss them so much and there was a lot of pain all around before they went. Grannies and families are brokenhearted but they continue to embrace the life they have going on around them, including the boys. We haven't quite shaken off the sadness yet, even though we know we'll see them again.

The puppies have all cleared out with the exception of one. We still have 8 dogs and a cat, and there is a talk in the works about a new hamster. My 3 year old pug is suffering. He has a busted eye that looks terrible with discharge and redness and cataract forming. His breathing is worse. I am hoping to take him to the vet this month to get him fixed and looked at. I'm terrified for him and definitely have broken down about it. That dog has not been taken cared of well and he deserves the best that can be given.

I am looking up and forward to a career, college, and jobs. I need to shake off the dependence on social security, find a way to keep my insurance as my cochlear is too expensive to keep up with on my own, and finally marry the love of my life without worrying about losing my essentials. Either way, I'm sticking with him through thick and thin as he has done for me. I adore my life with him.

I look at the words of other bloggers for inspiration. So many write so well, so eloquently, and speak of painful things in positive frames. Some seem to attract the good in the world simply by being. So, I've gathered myself to experience wonderful things and with the strength that we can make things to be okay. I'll take care of my baby Ozzfest. I'll take care of my boys, my home, and my soulmate. But, Tori, we miss you so.

I would be lying
if I said I wasn't crying
From life's darkest blows

I know I've gotta
Let you go, let you go

I would be lying
if I said I wasn't trying
to move on with this life of mine
I know I've gotta
take my time, take my time

Tired Me These Weeks

2010-07-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

So, today, I'm breathing deep. Being lazy. Making lists in my head of what I must do with this cluttered house today and how much that will make me feel better in the end. Dishes, Teena's meds, laundry, floor cleaning, dinner, feeding all the animals, and the boys' total room makeover while they're in Texas with their mother.

I'm reminded it's okay to feel bad, to feel tired, and to give yourself some more credit in this wonderful blog I just stumbled across today: http://www.adventuresinbabywearing.com/. It's like she's inviting me to be more creative with words and feelings. Things I hold back in order to try to show the big picture of what I want to blog.

Teena, my autistic/shizo charge, has been resting in bed this morning. I let her because I needed some me time. I feel even more tired when I think about how long I will have to keep her, but I also feel that I'm up to the challenge. I just don't want to do it alone, as I have been.

After a few days of having totally cleaned and organized the girls' room, it looks like this:

Not bad, really!

Steven has been trying to help when he comes home, but he is so tired from work and lack of sleep as it is. So, I don't push him, nor do I allow him to overwork himself. We are just taking each day as we can. I've been thinking about how appreciative I should really be of Teena. She pushes me to try harder, to stick to a schedule. And yes, every now and then, I'm overwhelmed with all the tasks put before me. Yes, sometimes I'm resentful of it all. We hardly have had a break this summer. But today, I breathe in deep. Today, it'll be just fine.

Time to clean. Tell me, how are you doing these days?

Love or Respect?

2010-07-02T01:56:00.001-04:00

If it had to be one choice, would you rather be respected or loved? I may be paraphrasing the question here, since I'm going on memory. It was a question I looked at quickly, picked an answer, and clicked next on Hunch. I clicked 'respected'. In retrospect, though, I think I would rather be loved. In any case, I would prefer to be able to respect the person I truly love, so the question is probably moot.

Let me talk about this out loud here and it might seem a bit meandering.

Steven's granny -- his mother's mother -- died a few weeks ago. It's still somewhat startling to remember that she's dead. It's still a pang, even though I hardly knew the woman. I was coming to love her, and I had huge amount of respect for her. I still do. I remember every time we visited, at some point I ended up touching her hand and talking about her fingers. I always thought they were pretty for such old hands. She had a little nub on one of her hands where a finger tip had been cut off when she was younger. The terrifying thing is, I touched that cold hand at her funeral and remembered how she would smile and hold my hand. It almost broke me and I didn't return to the coffin the rest of the evening.

Anyway, the day we found out she had died in the morning, Steven told me something that really stuck in my head. He told me that Reva had no enemies. It was true. Many people turned out at the funeral. Family from Steven's real father, family from Steven's stepfather (who also adopted him as his own), and Reva's immediate, as well as many friends, all turned up for her. They all melded together to hug Reva's children and grandchildren, and they all hugged me as their own. They cried over her. And I know in her time of living that I was part of, she was well loved. Her personality subtly demanded it. The way I remember her is stubborn and quiet, with a sense of humor. She raised Steven for most of his childhood and she did it well. Her daughter seems so much like that.

So, she was highly respected and so well-loved, in her long life. I believe that's what kept us from breaking down. She deserved to go quietly after her pain and to have people pay respect with love. But if I had to choose, I would go with being loved. I think she would, too.

Mind. Is. Blown!

2010-06-29T23:45:00.001-04:00

So, you know how I'm often annoyed at how I blog? Oh, you didn't? Well, you do now. I find that I just sound so out there sometimes, or repetitive. I'm trying to change the tone of the blog to how it looks in my head, as well to match the aspirations and the lifestyle we currently have. This blog grates on me at times. Anyway...

Due to recent mind explosions, which I will get to in a minute, I wrote a list of thoughts that have resulted. A lot of these seem so simple, but in my current state, they're so inspiring and they make a lot of sense! I needed this. I wanted this! The inspirations from a few certain people have given me words that make perfect sense in my head.

Bits and Pieces From Mindplosion Rubble

I want to give a big middle finger to the "shoulds" of other people's realities.
I feel like I am on the edge of my life - something is screaming at me to get off my ass and dive. I'm afraid.
The reason I feel so mediocre and useless at times is because I want to be ready to take risks, especially for Steven, and I'm suddenly balking instead.
I'm intimidated at times by other people's ideas of success because I define it so differently.
I am terrified of losing my extremism, carefree, and rebellious ideals -- and turning into a polished, winking, and uniformed zombie with Dream Zapping and soul-sucking abilities instead. In other words, I'm afraid of becoming a mediocre User, as I've come to label certain peoples in my life. You know, the kind of people that decide that other people's value is in how they can be used.
I want the conviction to turn my passion into something more and tangible -- like an interactive, fun, wacky business that has the ability to evolve into more ..or, or, or .. getting published .. or having a super duper family with unschoolingness and traveling.
I feel that our bad circumstances will not hinder us from pursuing all the wonderful shit our life has to offer. This, too, shall pass and it's totally true, too, because we weather out pretty fantastical shitstorms only to find gorgeous fertilization for happiness and possibilities. Sounds gross, huh?
The deepest meaning I've ever encountered in life was, and still is, the love between Steven and I. I am totally grateful for this. This isn't defined or shaped by monetary values and other people's opinions. It is moldable only to what we see and believe in, which is wild, crazy love for each other.
My biggest challenge right now is being open to my stepchildren. My dream for this is to be the kind of person I would love to be around, that mother figure that embraces all the quirks of the children rather than being overwhelmed by sibling rivalry and demands.
I want to laugh and have fun with the people I love -- my fiance, my stepchildren, the people I look up to, and my family. I strive to find laughy, funnish moments like these everyday.
I am convinced that we will conquer the world, a little at a time, with love letters and baked squash casserole. Mm, I'm hungry..
I am so edgy, ready to make something happen!
I so believe so many of what has been written here.

Thanks a lot, Ashley and Havi. LOOK WHAT YOU DID. You blew my brain up with all your awesome writing and .. and .. gah, I have no words. I have no words, I say!

Wait, Who? What happened? WHAT?!

Okay, I've been reading some business bloggers and looking over at hunch.com. It seems like everywhere I look, business of any form has to be competitive and polished in suits and become your identity. It's daunting and robotic. It's not my style. So, I switched to reading about things that really make me happy -- unschooling, attachment parenting, birthing at home, writing pretty cool shit, books I wanna read, and all kinds of stuff.

Then, I come across The Middle Finger Project, which also oddly enough reminds me of Havi Brooks. Here we go. This is definitely my style. Rebellious, quirky, fun, interactive, inquisitive, daring, courageous. Never defined by just your career or business, always defined by your experiences, thoughts, and actions. Success is in your meaningfulness, in the way you look at the world around you, not in how much money you make.

I have SO MUCH MORE respect for people who are having so much fun in their lives, whether they are rich or poor. And I have dramatically less for those who pick at other people's hobbies, lifestyles, etc because it doesn't match their own perceptions -- which means they're so unhappy with their own lives and yet they fancy themselves so freakin' successful! You know who are successful in my book? Those folks who know how to blow brains up. Yes, I'm talking about them again.

They're the kind of people that are the very definition of this quote that I admired so long ago:
"A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

That's who I wanna be. A mind-blower.

Edited to Add: Dale just told me something pretty damn awesome. After reading this, he was discussing it with me and a really nice nugget from the conversation was this: "We all do change. But you can't be afraid of that change any more than you can be afraid of your hair growing. It's going to happen and if you change into something you don't like, wait around, you're not done." The change I feared was becoming an User.

Never a Quiet Moment

2010-06-22T15:43:00.000-04:00

Thinking Out Loud

    I've been feeling like the source of bad luck around here. It just seemed like when I arrived on the scene of my love's life, series of bad luck have occurred in a row. Then, I remember, it's not called bad luck. It's called agents of change. The catalyst was Steven's divorce. We're in such a huge transition right now. I happened to get into the thick of it and we'll emerge from it having learned extreme lessons, of having been changed in small ways.
    Lately, what's been on Steven's, and our family's, plate are thus: divorce, Teena's insurance, SSI, and her discharge from autistic residential facility, impending foreclosure on the house Steven has had since 1994, accumulating debts of home loans and bills, an unsurprising but tragic death of a very close family member, air conditioner breaking down, reduced hours at work, and people often asking us at odd times to do errands for them while throwing in comments like, "Why aren't you getting much done?" Not to mention the extra animals we are taking care of.
   I watch Steven make phone calls one after the other all day long, often doing paperwork to fax in, get less sleep, eat less, and having to swallow his pride to accept help from his wonderful parents who are also going through incredibly stressful times. And all I can do is watch from the sidelines and rush in to feed, clean, and get things out of their way as much as possible. Another thing is that I am very dependent on Steven to take care of things for me, like phone calls and my appointments.
    So, strength has been pumped into my resolve to be independent and pitch in stronger than just being in the sidelines. Watching his family manage things has given me inspiration and lessons to carry with me for the rest of my life. Love and respect for Steven has deepened as we go along, with me proudly at his side.
    I've been looking at online colleges and I've become very decided upon what I want to be. I have all the qualities but none of the experience of being an entrepreneur. I really wanted to go to DeVry, but the costs are over my head. So, I've swallowed my pride pill, a lesson I've learned from Steven, and looked at University of Phoenix where his ex-wife went. I will not be dropping my stepchildren in order to go to campus college, while we have no expenses to pay for a babysitter and no other way to watch the kids. I will stay as a stay at home stepparent, period.
    We looked at the scholarships I could receive, at my pell grants, and at my determination to start up a small business or two. Slowly, we pieced together a 5 year plan for clearing up debts by the time I graduate, starting a small business that we both can handle, and starting up our retirement/kids' funds/credits that can be built up for the rest of our lives. I became thrilled -- I have the dedication to be an entrepreneur where our small business can branch out into more meaningful, profitable, and fun ways. A place, or a few places, where Steven and I will be secure financially while enjoying ourselves and be flexible to be with the children. We had planned a small business before, but it fell to the wayside when things exploded as you've read.
    But I am also cautious of the mistakes made before me here that Steven already had to go through and I often look at Steven for the inspiration to get me past that fear. I often watch his movements, his grace, and his ability to get things done without a doubt. Often, I bumble along and learn from him.
    Then, I wrote something. It was meant to be some sort of scholarship piece on hearing impairment. It turned into a story I was tired of telling. It was no longer a scholarship piece but a sob story, a pity piece. I titled it similar to this entry -- Life Is Never Quiet. Because without my hearing, I can still hear within which accounts for the high-pitched tones, low murmuring, and screeching of wax build up. It was a story my grandmother encouraged me to write and send into Reader's Digest. As disgusted as I was with the story, I decided it was a good fodder for Reader's Digest or some inspirational reading magazine of sorts. I never got a reply from RD, but I have a feeling something will happen on that end. Perhaps it could be posted here. I mean, it is a true story of tragedy and overcoming all odds to be where I am today.
    Anyway, I have also been looking at Havi Brooks for biggification and destuckifying. I have a niggling that has been growing stronger that there is something for me to grab in the business world. Something unique that can be driven with confidence and a smile. But first steps first. We'll get there.

Overwhelmed But Loved

2010-05-24T07:28:00.000-04:00

It just hit me this morning how much more work we seem to have right now. The main thing is that we are pushing through to survive divorce, things getting dumped on us, Teena's insurance, and financial issues. Two different groups want to dump things into our basement and our home because of a change in homes. We have an increase of animals and items, and not a lot of money to handle it all. We are trying to start up a garden and maintain a mess of a yard, as well as maintaining/working on the house, but only got 40% done due to travel, busy work days, emergencies, and odd loose ends. We're trying to replace some things like the boys' furniture in their room so they can have more space. I don't even know how we will handle Tori's room for now because all the stuff from her mother's house, plus the stuff she has with us, is filling it up, not to mention her bird. We are all in transition this summer.

We currently have 7 dogs, 5 puppies, 1 cat, 1 temporary dog, and 1 temporary bird. We will have all three of the kids for the first half of the summer, which we are really happy about. This makes 20 occupants in a small 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house, with 2 acres around us. We feel guilty sometimes, when other people say things to us like, "Why aren't you getting anything done?" Yet, we are cleaning house three or more times a day, feeding 20 occupants, trying to clear space, and having to spend a lot of our time instead helping everyone else. Steven is the one working his ass the hardest and I've never been more proud of a person in my life. He is the reason things are easier to handle, and I hope I make things easier for him too. His parents pitch in quite a bit, too, taking on their grandchildren several times a week, plus kids are with them every Saturday and Sunday. They have their own woes to handle, too.

Just recently I scrubbed a toxin from my life. It felt liberating, if somewhat stinging, to relieve one stressful, rude, hateful "friend" out of my life right at the period of the week when Steven and I needed each other the most. It made him laugh ruefully to see the letter in his inbox, too, warning him of my evilness and how I will use him all up because I'm so gross and ugly. This came from someone who had nothing better to do but to pick at other people's hobbies, careers, etc while bemoaning his own boredom. Goodness, we certainly aren't bored, look at our life! So we didn't need his shit and it feels like a nice minor accomplishment to tick him out of our life while we move on to other things that really needed to be done.

I love my life with Steven. I just wish things were easier for him. I know it will be. He's had a rough time for the past 4-5 years and I think this summer is the final transition into the life we want. We're pretty determined people that really like to get stuff done, so stuff will get done. When Steven and Dale were working on the sewing machine table in the basement yesterday evening, I remarked on how I love this house. I love the fact that this house is capable of evolving with the people within in, and the people within it are capable of adapting to the house. This house has gone through a lot and so have we. It's a simple, lovely home and it will never be done. I firmly believe a home should always be a work in progress, or should I say a fun in progress? Just like us. It really bothers us when people think we should do better than this house. We love where we're at, we just need to work on it.

So, that's where I'm at this morning. I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed, so I can't imagine how Steven must be feeling this morning. He just left for work an hour ago. I'm still here and I miss him terribly. I always do, but I miss him even more as this morning is the punctuation to a stressful weekend.

Thinking Out Loud about Stuffs

2010-04-24T17:08:00.001-04:00

Current thought: Improving relationship with myself improves my relationships with others, which comes back to improving relationship with myself. I'm not saying to improve dead-end relationships or uncomfortable relationships, those are the ones I'd rather disentangle myself from. Thinking this out loud really helps, especially now that I've come across Havi talking about this.

Everything I think or write seems to tie together. Even when some stuff I write seems to have no relevance to other stuff, there is a common ground. Some stuff that appears irrelevant to other stuff was actually, in the thinking process, brought around by each other. There's all the stuff I wrote about before, trying to touch on thoughts that I didn't really have words for. Then I find Havi's writings validates the things I'm thinking about and it all comes back full circle.

Okay. My main thing has always been about improving my relationship with people around me and this includes my stepchildren. That's why I'm so gung ho on unschooling, parenting lifestyle, and gentle communication. That's why I started up this blog. Then, I realize I'm the only one really contributing to it, I'm really the one frustrated with the process, and it's because I'm struggling with myself most of the time. I needed destuckifying. I needed this.

Wow, that one hit me over the head. It got me thinking about the relationship I have with myself, and the relationships I have with others. I have very few periods in my life where there was someone there for me, someone that showed me sovereignty, self-respect, and personal boundaries. They just liked me for me, there was no need to push me into anything I wasn't ready for or didn't want to do yet. There wasn't a need to pull and prod at my thoughts, to argue with me before I could fully form my thoughts out, to get agitated with me because their thoughts didn't mesh with mine. There wasn't the vibe that my ideas and dreams were either a) too silly to consider or b) I'd better get a start on it now and live up to my potential. Now, that's a recipe to drive anyone off or to lose all the beautiful things they could share with you.

Two main people were that for me: Steven and Charlene. They never jumped on me to get things done, or tell me that stuff wouldn't work unless I did it their way. They never told me how to listen, how to interact with others, how I'm so anti-social, how I act like I think I know everything, how I could do so much better in dancing, how I need to do this or that, etc. They never did that. They simply loved me for who I was and saw my potential as something I can handle myself in my own time, at my own pace. If I got stuck, they just told me that I'm a pretty cool person with pretty cool skills, and that they loved me. That, often enough, would strike up flames that lit up ideas and inspiration in my head and I set about the destuckifying process.

When I was little and went to Charlene's house to visit, I was in a calm and steady atmosphere of never-ending trust and respect. I wasn't pushed to do something or to try something out. It was always, "You ready? Okay, let's do it if you are." I wasn't told my ideas were silly or that I would squander my abilities away. I was validated constantly with her, and so I shared with her what I would never share with anyone else. Even silly little things like the scary dreams I had, the gross stuff that happened to me, and all the glorious dreams I had of being a writer. She was always free-spirited and always trusted me with her thoughts. This made me view her home as a beautiful, quiet place where I could get my bearings and I always loved it. She was my refuge, and thus I came to see her as someone beautiful all the time just because she is that kind of person.

I feel like I'm not that person for her. All the things she did for me, validating my thoughts, dreams, and ideas, and not throwing stuff at me to get things done, I'm doing the exact opposite. I have been pushy with her about moving here, I have been trying to help her in a nonvalidating manner, I've not been as understanding about the circumstances surrounding her right now. In general, that makes me feel like a very lame person. So, my relationship with myself could help out a lot right now. I'm slowly learning sovereignty, I'm slowly learning self-respect. I'm becoming calmer in my interactions with others and knowing my limit with certain people, knowing who are my Right People. Along the way, maybe I'll become that person for her because I want to be. Because she is worthy and beautiful, and because she did that for me. Because I absolutely adore her for who she is. I can do the same for her son and her husband because I love them, too. Because her son is a pretty awesome person and because Aaron is, too.

And there is Steven. Oh wow, now there's someone to fall in love with. Often, I made myself feel guilty about not doing what I'd say I'd do; cleaning, quitting tobacco, cooking, etc. He'd set me straight and tell me he never expected me to do everything right away. He can do things, too, and let me do what I want/need to do. He is constantly amazed by what I can do and what I will do, he loves who I am, he loves my personality. He knows I will do whatever it takes to accomplish what I want to accomplish. He doesn't tell me things like I'm not good enough to be a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, a fiance. He doesn't tell me that I don't do enough, that I need to be someone else for him, to make him feel better. He finds pride in things that I enjoy doing, and he finds pride in me. It's awe-inspiring to be so loved and accepted by someone I absolutely adore. It feels good and right. He is my people -- lover, best friend, soulmate, husband, confidante, and partner in crime. He is a father of four children who he does the same things for.

I also feel like I'm not that person for him. I find myself saying those critical words, "Well, you need to.." and "You oughta..", just to name a few. I find myself pushing him to do things that I know he'd love to do. It really makes me see that the things I do to him are the same things I do to myself. So, again, personal relationship is what guides me -- as well as my relationship with him. It's what reminds me to be the person I want to be in order to give him the refuge he needs. I want to be someone who inspires him as much as he does me and someone who can help him with the destuckifying process the way he does for me. I hate being pushy with him when he is so patient. I want to be that for him because I am so in love with him and I adore him for who he is. I love his intelligence, his logic, the way he goes about things. I love his ideas and his dreams - we share the same happy place in our minds. He could be lazy all day and I'd love him because he doesn't have to *do anything* in order for me to love him. I just do, I love the man. He is awesome in his own right and he will get things done when he wants to. He lives up to his own potential in myriad of ways in any time that he is ready and I want to support him. I believe in him.

That's part 1 of my thought process and I'm done for the day. I have so much more -- changing the blog to suit ME (become a Book of Me), feeling uncomfortable with the shoe-throwers and people who outright baffles me in a not-so-nice way, being the stepmother I want to be for the children, learning to just love the children for who they are and not what they 'ought' to do by society's standards, creating/accepting personal vocabularies and terminology for stuff/stucknesses/funness/etc as well as adopting Havi's just because it's awesome dammit, etc. But for now, I leave you with this. Havi has given me so much to think about and I gotta sort through them all! Cheers.

I Will Write This, Dammit!

2010-04-21T16:50:00.001-04:00

Inspired.
Giddy.
Going with the flow.

The Flow That is The Dammit List!

(Thanks, Havi)

It might be a little annoying for some people to see 'dammit' at every sentence, but NOT FOR ME, DAMMIT. It's my dammit list and I'll do what I want with it. It's too inspiring to drop from every sentence in my list. :)

For those of you who haven't clicked on the two very useful, awesome, and fascinating links, a dammit list is a very personal list (like that personal ad thing but different) of things you stand for. It is basically you making healthy boundaries for yourself. You can put in things that you are usually embarrassed about but should really be proud of or shouldn't be guilty about because some things can change.

I will stop feeling guilty about sleeping in all the time, dammit!
I am a quirky, funny, short, cute little person who has shyness issues, dammit! (And shyness can be cute. Yes.)
I believe in freeing myself and my loved ones, dammit! (Unschooling, attachment parenting, etc)
I have no "out-in-the-real-world" job, dammit.
I say random things at random times in any given location, dammit.
I will become a published writer and love every bit of it, dammit!
I believe kids should have as much rights as adults do, dammit!
I want to be full of confidence and walk like Cesar Millan does, dammit.
I can be inspiring and fun, dammit!
I love sparkliness, orange color, and baked squash, dammit!
Nobody will make me feel small, stupid, inadequate, and useless, dammit! Not even me. Sometimes it'll happen, but I will know better and learn from it.
I find editing grammar, spelling, punctuations, sentence issues, and verb overdose a whole lotta fun, dammit. It's never been boring for me. And if I find I make a mistake, I actually enjoy it and learn from it. Don't roll your eyes at me, dammit! (Haha. This is fun.)
I am sensitive to my stepchildren's moods, dammit.
I will stop taking things too personally, dammit!
I love the things I have to say and share with others, dammit! I no longer feel the need to feel embarrassed or nervous about uttering or typing out things that matter to me.
I will enjoy my curvy extra-weightness, dammit, and if I should lose weight and feel lighter, I would love that too! Dammit.
I don't bow down to other people's insecurities (telling me what to do because it makes them feel better), dammit! To the Wrong People: Your problems do not rule my life, your problems have no place in my life, and your problems have NEVER been mine, dammit! Understand this clearly, I am not a doormat for you to prod at and call names because you don't approve or you resent everything I cherish.
I love being a stepmother, a wife, a housewife, a domestic goddess, and a pack leader, dammit! One day, I will be a mother, too, dammit!
I find this Dammit List much too fun, dammit! Also, liberating and sweetness and light.

My Personal Ad #1

2010-04-20T21:43:00.007-04:00

So, I stumbled across Freak Revolution. It's a great website that somehow does not intimidate me in the slightest! I think I got there through SwissArmyWife who had a link to Underground Moms which linked me to Momfidence and other fantastic things perhaps including Freak Revolution. Or someone linked it to me through facebook, most likely Stephanie. Okay, retracing my paths, I know it was SwissArmyWife because this specific blog entry linked me to a fantastic entry on Freak Revolution. Okay, okay, only a few more links and you'll see how Happyface has decided to make her first personal ad on this here blog.

Ahem, so I stumbled across FR. I've been reading a few entries, nodding my head here and there, and excitedly clicking through to other stuff that just makes my mind a-splode with giddy happiness. THIS is one of them. It's a cute personal ad - trust me, nothing like you've ever seen before! Or maybe you have. I don't care, it's worth a read, my friend. Apparently, they took that idea from this person. Seriously, that link takes you to an entry that has the cutest confession ever and a cute ad to follow it with. My day has been so soaked in cuteness that I may need to detoxify here soon.

"Confession: my obsession with writing personal ads for things that no one would ever write a personal ad for is spinning slightly out of control.

First I wrote a personal ad for my ideal home… which is how I came to live at Hoppy House. Hoppy House! I love Hoppy House. Plus it has blueberry bushes.

Then Kelly wrote a personal ad for a copywriting assistant… and I ran it for her here and that ended up completely transforming her business.

But then lately I’ve been writing really, really little ones and not putting them up on the blog. Not even telling anyone about them. And here’s the weird part. It’s still working."

Okay, so, here it is.

Happyface's Personal Ad #1

Here's What I Want:

I want a job that allows me to stay at home. Oh, it would be so wonderful to have a great paying job that allows me to severe my ties with SS and allow me to stay at home with the kids. The time could be flexible. The job could make me so deliriously happy if it was an editing and reviewing deal with fantastic people from all over the place. Oh, about $1,500/mo? Yes, please, that'd be an icing on the cake. I don't mind the amount fluctuating since it would be a job that is based on whatever work there is for me.

Here's How I Could Get This:

I have no problems whatsoever with talking to people who are in this field. My brother-in-law had these relationships with great writers in which he can get review edition of books before they are published. I will have to talk to him again about it.

I can make myself available to opportunities that could blossom into a beautiful, flexible career that is fun and awe-inspiring. That means staying relaxed about searching, while being alert enough to grab at an opportunity that is a slightest gleam of what I want.

I can also get into programs, internships, etc. with local newspapers, magazines, community college, writers workshops, editors groups, and reviewers around.

Ways This Could Come to Me:

Friends or relatives will know people who writes or can offer me some work.

Some of my favorite writer friends could see this and offer me to prove my reviewing/editing skills on a few of their stuff. Or perhaps just give me a trial offer on their works.

I could wait for it to come to me while I work on writing, editing, and reviewing online things.

Like the Itty Bitty entry I linked above, I am willing to be surprised by possibilities!

My Commitment:

I will enjoy all the writing and the editing that appeals to me. I will absolutely keep up to date on the editing and reviewing priorities and rules, as well as constantly practicing, improving, and keeping things put together nicely. This job will be well-loved and appreciated for offering me something I enjoy doing, as well as providing me with the income and freedom that I sorely need. It will be a fun experience and journey in my life, and I will cherish it as such.

Hot and Cold

2010-04-13T08:14:00.001-04:00

So, my morning started off with a bit of stink and grousing. Elly the Shih Tzu had left two nice presents for us just before we woke up. Steven certainly didn't want to get up, so I felt bad having to rouse him and poke him and prod him into the shower. In the shower, I was feeling so much negativity about the morning and I remembered a link that someone shared with me on facebook called Enjoy the Benefits of Hot and Cold Water Therapy. Apparently, it helps release negativity.

I was hesitant to do it at first, but thought if I could talk Steven into doing it with me, it'd be interesting. I waited until we were mostly done. Instead, he adamantly refused and kept out of reach when the water went from steaming hot to freezing cold. I understood, it just wasn't something he was interested in. I held my breath and stepped in the deluge. I squished my eyes tightly shut and turned around and around in the water until I felt I was soaked in the cold, while I rinsed out the conditioner from my hair. Then I quickly grabbed at the knob and twisted it back to as hot as I could stand it and sighed with relief.

Then, I decided I might actually like it (I wasn't fully sure yet), so Steven enjoyed the hot water then stepped out quickly when I turned it back to cold. He was done showering, anyway, so I took my opportunity to have a quick 'therapy'. I rinsed out whatever residue I had left on me with the freezing cold water, shuddering, and tried to keep the cold on a little longer before I turned the hot back on. When I stepped out into the warm bathroom, I felt refreshed and invigorated. I even felt bouncy and cheerful and a fog had been cleared from my mind. I felt like I could move faster and get his lunch packed and make sure he goes out the door in time. My skin felt tighter but not in an uncomfortable way. I felt cleaner than usual and, dare I say it, shiny!

So much positivity helped me wake the boys in a more gentle way, with more touch, less impatience and feelings of guilt, and with openness to solutions to help the boys' morning so smoother. I had more energy to clear out the backseat of the car for them, to take Reese to the store for his lunch, and to talk with them in general. I was able to get smiles and laughs out of these two, and they both gave me a kiss smack on the mouth before leaving the car to go into what I call the Little Worker Factory (a factory that produces little worker bees for our industrial society - can you tell I absolutely hate it?). I hoped I gave them some of my positivity to boost them against the drain and grind of the school day.

I was musing on missing all my boys when I pulled into the driveway after dropping them off. I realized that I am the kind of person I really want to be -- I am affectionate, loving, understanding, and I will do things for the ones I love just because I love them. I don't want to 'act' like I love them to make myself look good to others. I just want to love them and be comfortable with them in our home. And I do. Absolutely.

So, I wrote this. I think it's going to go on the fridge to remind the people I love that I adore them with all my heart. Sometimes, I think they seem to forget that I don't just do things for them because I *have* to. No, I have a choice and I don't *have* to do anything. I chose to do the things I do because I LOVE doing it! I love being here, I love being with them, and I love THEM, period. So, here it is. Hope all of you have a great morning and a wonderful day.

I'll kiss you every morning when you leave
and I'll kiss you as soon as you come home
I'll embrace you as soon as you need a hug
And I'll step away when you need to be alone

I do it all with a smile because I want to
Because you are perfect the way you are
And you've given my life more dimensions
than I knew existed, definitely by far

I'll be firm when the time calls for it
and I'll stand by your side every time
There is never a moment of regret
When I call all of you mine

Yeah, I'll kiss you when you leave
and I'll kiss you when you come home
I'll embrace you as soon as you need a hug
and I'll step away when you need to be alone

I do it all with complete trust in my heart
Because you've never given reason to do otherwise
And you've given me more to live for
I think you do all this more than you realize

Cuddlebugs!

2010-03-31T21:12:00.000-04:00

I wrote something on EP that I think really should be on here. Here is the link: I Live in a House Full of Cuddlebugs.

As I'm writing this now, my fiance is asleep on the couch next to our desk and his children are nearby playing the wii. I admire him now in the living room glow with the sounds of the two boys chattering away behind me. The urge to cuddle him is very strong indeed, and often, when I'm done writing, I immediately go to do so. Or leave the stuff up on the screen and go anyway.

But right now, I'm enjoying the anticipation of a cuddle. Usually, if he has been asleep a short while and I crawl up against his side, he instantly has his arms around me in his semi-consciousness and he moves enough to curl himself around me. Our cuddle session is very innocuous on the surface and quietly intimate. His sleepiness brings me his tangy, male scent that comes out stronger in sleep. I adore the feel of him. We are so warm and safe with each other.

And it's not just cuddling him that makes my world so bright. If we have been conversing quite awhile, curled into each other no matter where we are in the house, the kids will come in and join our conversation. They usually wrap their little arms around us and join in the circle of quiet, safe warmth with low voices. Sometimes it gets riled up into a squealing, cackling wrestling session between the boys with me as the referee, and then ends again with huggles and laughter.

I love when all three of his kids will pile around my fiance and me as we watch a movie. We just lay sprawled out, so comfortable, with our eyes intently on the plot, action, and dialogue flashing on the screen. They have no concerns about being unwanted in a lap. They just know they can sprawl on us or cling to us, and we happily let them do it with bags of chips or popcorn squished between all 5 of us. It gives me an opportunity to appreciate their fresh child smell on their heads that no shampoo can rival. An added bonus is that our dogs and cat are just as comfortable about sprawling against our legs or in our lap if they have been invited, even with the danger of wiggly, kicky legs of our children.

My house is perfect. I love to cuddle, therefore I have been blessed with those who enjoy cuddling me.

Wonderful Week, Crappy Monday

2010-03-22T08:09:00.000-04:00

A Monday is always a huge letdown after an exciting or relaxing weekend. But the big letdown of this Monday was exacerbated by three things: A whole week of Spring Break, the birth of Elly's five puppies on Wednesday, and Reese's amazing birthday party on Saturday. I had just packed Steven's lunch and saw him off, finished cleaning up dog poo, let the other dogs outside, and then prepped myself for the moment I was dreading.

I marched into the boys' room, turned on the overhead light, and got them out of bed. Then, I went back to finish fixing Elly the Mama Shi Tzu's food which consisted of boiled chicken liver, shredded cheese, and a handful of dry dog food. At this point, the boys were like zombies and slowly assembled their clothes. I got a bit upset that I'd woken them up a little later than usual, which meant we were running slightly behind especially on a Monday when the boys were moving slower than usual, but in retrospect, a little lag isn't totally a bad thing. Especially as I hated taking them to school. Not because I had to be up because I am usually up at 5:30 am anyway, but because they look so miserable about going and they barely reply to me when I say, "Have a good day!" as they get out of the car.

I know I upset Jared, especially, when I'd gotten mad at Willow for finding the exact right moments to be under my feet when I was climbing over the gate blocking the bathroom from the hallway and making me fall against the wall. I had raised my foot and pressed the side of it against her chest to push her back, and I did it with a yell, in a movement that looked like I kicked her. Jared looked on from the door of his room, wide-eyed, since I was coming out to help him find a 'short' (shirt) after he'd called out to ask for my help. Sigh.

So, I dropped them off and was musing on how big of a letdown Monday really is sometimes as I drove back home. Then, I thought about how much fantastic memories had been made especially on Saturday and how they will talk about it to their peers. The paintball, their parents' and grandparents' involvement, how many hours paintball had taken, who won, who lost, some techniques discovered, how many friends and family were there, how they teamed up, Reese's cake, the funny moments, the crazy moment when there was an unlikely winner, and the occasional boo-boos. How many stories there are to tell about one day!

They might exaggerate as they talk about how many puppies were born and how they get to hold them EVERYDAY (which they didn't, btw), but there is no amount of exaggeration in the world about their adorableness. They most likely won't talk about the much quieter, relaxing atmosphere afterwards at their Mamaw's, the cook-out, the kids squealing and running although they spent the entire day doing that on the field, and the snuggles -- not to the peers who seem like bullies to them. But they will remember those moments, always the calm, sweet moments with their Mamaw and Papaw.

As for me, I had family over briefly, we had the company of Baron and Dale along with the kids, I'd made wonderful new friends (Yoda and Ronnie) Saturday, and I got my much-awaited haircut on Friday which prompted Reese to stare at me and go, "Hm, you kinda look like Mamaw". Every minute was worth the while. I also got a huge kick out of how much fun Steven had and how well he maintained the respectability of the field. He had his eyes out for the kids and kept things clean and well-mannered, which isn't easy to do considering the adults involved! I feel like I barely even saw the kids, they were such a blur - they ran so much and played so much. I caught a few tender moments on camera, but that's it! It's like I was seeing them for the first time again since days this morning and they were so grouchy.

It's just me and the dogs today. I am feeling a little blue, missing all my boys and Tori. Trampoline will seem a bit empty, silent will echo instead of karate yells and catcalls, and no cookies will be baking in the oven today. TV will most likely be quiet until 2 pm when Dog Whisperer comes on. I just look forward to when almost everyone comes home again at 3 pm - 4 pm. Until then, I have napping, eating, and cleaning to do.

Babies and Spring

2010-03-18T07:38:00.000-04:00

What a quiet morning. Well, not that quiet. At the moment, I hear squeaking cries and occasional growling. At 5:40 this morning, I stumbled around considering going back to bed once I had Steven sent off with food overflowing in his lunch box and his clothes on properly. As has been my usual run-through, I stopped on the way to the kitchen to check on Elly only to see her protectively curved around little wriggling bundle of shadows. Surprised, I got down to my knees and peered closer. Yup, puppies!

Galvanized and wide-awake, I got up to my feet and skittered down the hall to burst into our bedroom and hiss at Steven, "Wake up! Wake, wake, wake. Up, up, up." He jumped a bit, but just kept going, "Why? What?" and scowling at me from the warmth of the bed. Exasperated, I said, "Elly. Babies." His mouth made a wide "O" and he jumped out of bed wide awake, which is unusual because this guy just stays half-asleep even driving on the way to work.

I had returned to Elly, admiring the wrigglyness from a few feet away, when Steven came excitedly towards me and mouthing at me to go put my ear on. So, I did what he said and when I returned, I heard squeaking and crying. It was all at once strange and cute. He expertly moved some babies around so one of them who was doing all the crying would get at a nipple. Finally, there was a moment of quiet and suckling. We counted five. Five babies. Our little, old shih tzu birthed five good-sized, healthy babies by herself. We thought we'd have to help her with breaking open sacs since she has so few teeth, but no, these babies had already been out and groomed and warmed when we woke up. I was so proud and in awe of her. The powers of the female are great.

It also fits that St. Patrick day is now behind us and spring has been coming upon us for a while. These babies came at the beginning where movement and growth has been happening rapidly unseen. Sometimes, it seems to us that Spring just bursts in on us with blossoms, green leaves, and chirping birds. I know better. Changes come in the air, a feel of calm and excitement running up and down the skin. The air is noticeably different, threading through our hair and up our nostrils. Growth has already started, the creeping of undergrowth, the beginnings of blossoms appearing unnoticed, more and more birds singing in the mornings, and the days are lengthening gradually. Explosions of cells and color and living happens in small doses in grasses, trees, burrows, and lakes before larger explosions of obvious Spring shines before us and around us.

After dishes had been put away in the washer yesterday afternoon, I pressed my hands on the lip of the sink and stared out the window. That's where these thoughts come from. In brief, sudden sweeps of the occasional bird's wings. In the lightness of Tori's hair as it came up and fell down around her shoulders while she jumped on the trampoline in her blue dress. In the happiness of our pack as they race around each other and side by side up and down the yard. In our eagerness to read a few stories out of the Beatrix Potter's collection about rabbits in a big fig-tree, a few naughty rabbits running around a farmer's garden, and a kitty sitting on a basket. Now, it is in the soft dampness of puppies pressed against Elly's belly as they lie together, relieved and quiet, in their dark little cave.

Yes, quiet. The squeaking has stopped as soon as Elly adjusted one of the babies to her belly and, basking in the current quiet, she fell asleep. All the other dogs are sprawled around me in the floor asleep, one of them snoring very loudly. The kids are all snuggled in their beds fast asleep from the activities of the day before. Steven already strode out the door with lunch in one hand and his gear in the other, while the skies were still dark. Now, I hear birds and morning light has already snuck up on me. I'm sleepy, but slightly worried about the kids doing anything to Elly and the puppies should they wake before I regain consciousness.

I think I'll just rest on the couch awhile. Pictures are forthcoming.

Save Our Daughters

2010-03-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

This right here made me want to cry a little bit: Save Our Daughters. It made me think of my little stepdaughter, it made me think of my grandmother, it made me think of my fiance worrying over his belly, it made me think of my friend who hates his extra weight (you know who you are). Their faces flashed by in my eyelids while I closed them, thinking on the issue that matters so much. Raising our children to be well-balanced in a world that is unstable sounds like such a hard task when we, ourselves, are so thrown off by our incredibly negative culture.

Yet, do we really need to raise them to be well-balanced? What if they were born to be that way? They are born knowing they are the world and the world is them. They are born with the expectation that their needs get met and that they be allowed to live in the moment. Instead of interfering them by telling them what they know, we simply allow them to be them and nurture them to appreciate their deep instinct of being worthy. They teach us so much in that respect alone.

Let me tell you how. My stepdaughter knows she is adorable, and reminds us that we don't have to tell her that because she knows it. She has a cute belly that sticks out and she admires her beauty mark near her belly button. She loves herself and knows she is worthy. So I don't comment on her sticky hair that comes from handling lollipops or messy candy in general. I don't tease her about the ketchup smears on her face, but instead together we are amused by how messy food can be and we laugh. She doesn't ask me if I love her, but instead demand that I hug her and kiss her and play with her. She knows. She announces regularly that she loves us, then she goes off doing her own thing. But how long will that last?

Her older brothers, on the other hand, are deeply self-conscious already at 8 and 10. Their confidence are at an all-time low with school and friends. I fret over this constantly. What self-worth that was supposed to be nurtured now has to be restored from scratch. How?

Yes, save our daughters, save our sons, save ourselves. What will it take to know on a deep level that we are worthy, no matter what?

A New Friend

2010-03-11T21:21:00.002-05:00

Today was a contemplative day. It fit with the warm rain we had lately. I slept until 10 am, then spent another hour in bed daydreaming. I finally got up and let the dogs outside into the warm cloudy day. I left the curtains and the door closed in the living room as I browsed the internet, occasionally rising to get a drink or let the dogs in. I was cozy and feeling out of touch with the world around me. My thoughts skittered around for a solid hold all day, especially after I hit on two inspirational moments of the day. It wasn't until 1 pm that I finally opened up the curtains and the door, and realized it was raining really hard.

Someone posted a status linking to The Shape of a Mother, which I followed and browsed. It looked instantly beautiful upon arrival and kept me reading until I hit on this: All.

It stunned me. And made me wishful. I felt the heaviness of my eyelids and the ease of breathing as I read the words. I love beautiful words strung together with such gentleness. I always feel mine were put together in a harsh and awkward manner.

So, I followed the writer to her blog and kept on reading. I felt everything she'd felt or remembered upon writing. I imagined the feel of a pregnant body, all voluptuous and glorious. The fear and sadness with the ants, the loneliness of a single mother, the thrust into the working world after divorce. I correlated my thoughts of children and the favorite things I'd read (Jean Liedloff, etc) with her 1,000 Molecules blog entry. It felt like discovering myself bit by bit in her words, that I was reflected there. I related to her lack of TV and her love of reading -- that the words were beautiful and it was like treasure to find ways to use them in writing. I always felt dull because I missed funny moments or was out of the loop with the gossip world, and that I felt so serious all the time with thoughts like these running through my head. And yet, this writer is the same way and not dull at all. No, she's glorious. Yes, I used that word again because it fits her so well, it fits the personality in her writing. The way she wrote about a singular, small moment in the day was captivating.

That single blog threw me off for a whole day. Everything seemed surreal while I remained hidden, contemplating, introspective inside my head -- the droplet in my eyelash when I rushed into the shelter of the porch from the rain, the curves in the wet road when I drove, the smile upon my stepsons' faces when they came in from school, the bright blue eyes of one of our Australian Shepherds, the worry lines in my fiance's face while he was on the phone after he came in from work. And I felt blessed, so quietly blessed, that I reached out to re-connect myself back into the world by hugging Steven.

For this, I thank her. Suddenly, she has become a new, secret best friend. I wrote this on one of her blog entry:
After reading this, I instantly decided that you're my best friend. A secret, quiet, unknown best friend who I could have conversations about life with in my head. You are beautiful and lovely. I first began reading your post from TheShapeofMother and I've been reading backwards to this point ever since. You write so much of what I visualize but could never explain. You write about what I wish for - such deep self-knowledge.

You are my newest best friend, even if I don't know you and you don't know me. I will love what you write unconditionally.

It's true. She has touched a chord with me and that will always remain there now. I made Steven read several of the entries that touched me the most that I knew he would relate to, even though I loved all of her entries that I'd read so far. He was equally as stunned. This led to a conversation where I was able to finally word how I felt about our conversations, why I look at him so intensely when he talks. He has such a way of talking, of explaining the way he sees things, that captivates me, although he can't quite put them to written words. I am one of those who has to take some time to let words percolate and form before I can explain anything, and she kind of prodded that along faster than usual today. I don't know her, but I love her for it.

Tori's Diary

2010-02-26T17:36:00.005-05:00

Today the boys have a friend sleeping over. We heard the following conversation ensue:

Tori: You'll never find my diary!
Reese: You don't even have one.
Tori: Well. You still won't find it.

Hours later, we finally see Jared emerge for a moment from his Ghostbusters game. Without his pants. I hear the following:
"Jared. Jared.. JARED! PUT YOUR PANTS ON."

ETA 10:17 pm: Something weird happened. Steven has shaved his beard! HIS BEARD! It had not been shaved in 10 years. Tori has never seen her daddy without his beard. The following was heard.

Tori to Kay - "What did you DO to him, man?!"
Tori (playing a game) -
"Who let this guy in? WHERE'S DAD?!"
"You have his necklace! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DADDY?!"
Tori to Kay again -"Gasp! Don't kiss him! Daddy will be upset."
Kay - "Then how will I know if this is daddy or not?!"
Tori - "You're supposed to just know."
Reese (walks in, stops, stares in shock, then backs away slowly) - "... I'm calling the police."
Reese (dragging his friend in) - Look, you can't miss this.
Reese's friend (dragged in, sees Steven, eyes go huge) - "WHOA!"

As for Jared? Still hasn't noticed. Ghostbusters, you know.

Before:

Also, in other news, Elly is pregnant. Anyone want puppies? They have two possible fathers, so here are two possible mixes: pug/shih tzu or pekingese/shih tzu.

Becoming The Home I Want To Be

2010-02-24T08:08:00.005-05:00

In the past month, I had an obscure feeling of frustration and fear, all scattered throughout the joys and bliss of my life with Steven and the kids. It was an overall feeling of not quite finding my place with the kids and of not totally being authentic with myself and others around me. I felt flaky at times. I was found deep in contemplation that came off as moody and cranky. I was utterly confused.

The realization didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. True solutions for myself trickled in slowly, in key words and in other people's status quotes that gave me food for thought. It was also found in a magazine I have discovered from Dayna Martin (bless her!), which contents I've only read a few of. It took me some time to fill in the blanks around those key words and to redefine these quotes for myself. I finally have come to a fluid conclusion.

In order to give to the kids and to Steven what I want to give -- total trust, honesty, respect, safe environment, and a harmonious relationship -- I have to do all of that for myself. In order to give myself these following things, I have to learn what being authentic really is. To have the home I always dreamed of, I have to become it.

It would be a tarnish upon this experience if I were to say I am essentially 'improving' myself. I don't really like the term or the phrase. For your being to expand and spill into others' being, it isn't about being better or improving. It is about becoming truly you and doing what you were meant to do; which is expanding all the time to take in the world around you. Anyway, when I was able to form all this into coherent sentences and thought, my first reaction was, "This is the journey I've been waiting to have!" Then I realize, "Oh no, wait, I have been in this journey a long time already. This is just another exciting point in it." Sound cheesy? It sounds pretty nice to me.

Here's a quote that somewhat sums up my conclusion:

Don't focus so much energy on what you should do, but rather who you want to become. You will figure out what you should do, and you'll do it with PASSION!

You see, in becoming who I want to be -- a home for my soul, and for my soul to be a shelter to others as a home -- I will know what to do. I will know how to interact more comfortably with the kids, to not criticize Steven, to interact with strangers confidently, to feel safe around people I am close to rather than feeling silly and small, and to simply be much more happier and healthier unto myself.

So, in order to become authentic, I must become who I *want* to be. I am already a lot of things that I enjoy being -- I am quirky, happy, funny, creative, spontaneous, and persuasive. I stick to decisions full-steam ahead, but I also allow room for flexibility for life's surprises. Now I am learning to become firmer about what I believe in and what I think is wrong, I am learning to be much more loving and positive, I am learning to become the force that protects Steven and the kids as well as being able to step back when they ask me to, I am learning to see that the way I think and react to things brings me the results I may or may not desire, I am learning that I can attract things I want and need in life simply by being attractive to those things.

I want to be someone completely confident in myself, someone who is positive and capable of brightening anyone's day, someone who knows her instincts are right on mark and have those instincts respected by others, someone who has stronger willpower in order to do what she must do (cleaning, waking up, writing a story, etc), someone who believes in the best of every situation. These are all the strong structures of a home I wish for, for my soul, in a journey to build a home I wish for, for kids and Steven. I want to help the kids be who THEY WANT TO BE, rather than teaching them obedience and fear.

In the process of recognizing who my Authentic self is, in expanding myself to be happier and healthier, I have already taken the steps of "what I should do". First, I have recognized what and who I want to be, what I want to be for the kids and Steven and our home.

Second, I have also recognized that it is safer and healthier for the kids, as well as myself and Steven, that I quit smoking. It also makes the house smell tons better! It makes me feel better, even if I am cranky from the withdrawals! It has been nagging at me that it has started to smell and taste bad now when I smoke, rather than enjoying it, and it has been producing the lasting, mucus-hacking coughs in this house. My oldest is exhibiting signs of allergy reaction to the smoke. I can't just ignore that just for the benefit of satisfying my own craving. Man... it has been two days of not smoking so far. First day was actually easy. Second is getting to be the worse so far. We'll see.

I have been allowing the words of Dayna Martin, Sandra Dodd, Scott Noelle, NurtureShock writers, Jean Liedloff, John Taylor Gatto, and many more to assault me. My greatest fear is that I will revert back to my uninspired, uncertain self. I wanted true assimilation of their words to help me rethink myself and the world around in -- mainly because I believe in their words and I love how inspiring and true they feel. I want to hold on to the inspired, confident feeling and embrace it.

I am definitely becoming who I want to be -- someone who can expand and be confident, someone who is inspired by the world. I love Authenticity. I love my journey into learning to listen to myself and to respect myself -- it is a hard one, but an enjoyable one as well. Then, this way, confidence comes and I will know how to help the kids and Steven to be confident and happy unto themselves as well. What a ride!

The 3/50 Project

2010-01-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

See the new little banner on our blog? It says The 3/50 Project. It's right under 'Be Rad' category which is my list of banners of things I participate in or endorse. The other categories are things I enjoy reading or supporting in linking to their websites. Totally understandable, right?

This is how it happened tonight.

So, Goodreads led me to their Authors Outreach Program which led me to CJ Cherryh and two other writers who make up Closed Circle. They write and sell their ebooks, but they are not publishers, hence the name Closed Circle. One of the writers, Lynn Abbey, wrote in her blog about the 3/50 Project which led me to the website itself!

Pretty cool, huh? Gawd, I love the 'net. This is the one project I think my stepspawns would love to be part of. Essentially, the project has a simple challenge: Pick 3, Spend 50, Save your Local Economy. Pick three local independent businesses that you wouldn't want to shut down. Spend $50 each month on those three businesses.

The 3/50 Project isn't telling you to spend all $50 at three places at the same time. Nor are they asking you to spend $50 on each 3 businesses that adds up to $150. They're requesting that you think about what you're investing in a little more. It's $50 a MONTH which gives you like three to four weeks to maybe spend $5 here or there at three independent stores in your area that you wouldn't want to close down -- basically adding up to $50. A small thing to do in order to achieve a great thing. It's something a community should strive to do and reach out to each other. So, we're going to be printing out these flyers and passing those around in our little town.

Time, Sonic, and Snow

2010-01-07T18:03:00.001-05:00

What does that all have in common?

Our boys have tons of time to draw, doodle, and play games in a warm house while the cold builds up outside and the snow falls. I've been printing out drawing tutorials of Tails and Sonic for the boys. Yeah, Sonic the Hedgehog is taking over the house! It's the main theme with these boys lately. I got a tender hug from Reese for indulging with their current obsession. <3 Jared finally received his big Sonic plush in the mail, so now the boys are pretty much coordinated. Jared with his Sonic figurine and plush, Reese with his Tails figurine and plush.

Just now, Reese came up behind me and poked one shoulder. I looked, he'd disappeared to the other side, and poked that shoulder. I was like, grr! He grinned and said, "I do that to Morgan aaaall the tiiiime". Ahh, Morgan again. "I bet she hates that," I said, pulling a face. He shook his head and said, "She loves it!" Oh, I didn't tell you? He has a new girlfriend named Morgan at his school. He is absolutely enamored with her, much like he was with his previous Morgan. (I guess he likes the name?). I can't help but think she's a lucky little lady because the way he speaks of her and interacts with her is much how Steven does with me. Reese will even sign "I love you" to her, amongst other few signs. Jared and Reese take good care of their little ladies like their daddy will do to me. Either he is an incredibly good role model or they really are mini-Stevens in many ways.

I really hope this snow doesn't hinder our "guests". Reese and Jared miss their third counterpart, my sister's son. Oh, we've been working on the house here lately. I suppose I should put up a youtube video soon of our latest progress. We are *so* far from done but we are having so much fun. I've been browsing these home decor sites and came across some of my newest favorite links. So many ideas, so little time. Well, wait, I guess we do have a lot of time. I hope you enjoy!

http://www.thefabricfloozie.com/?p=115
http://suttongrace.blogspot.com/2009/06/repurposed-entertainment-center.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:%20blogspot/HUFI%20(Higher%20Up%20and%20Further%20In)&utm_content=Google%20Reader
http://suttongrace.blogspot.com/2009/11/millas-kitchen.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2010/01/kid-chen.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2010/01/island-takeaway.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-does-she-shutter-stuff.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2009/11/springy-staircase.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2009/11/bright-seats.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2009/10/drawer-shelf.html
http://betterafter.blogspot.com/2009/09/table-triplets.html

Guess what else we have time for? Three books just came in the mail! NurtureShock, Boneshaker, and Genius for Deception. Woot. I've already read a few pages out of NurtureShock and I already adore this book. Expect pictures and some videos later! Maybe.

Oh, I hate to do this as an aside. But I just remembered. Teena's birthday was just a few days ago. We were discussing how much we wanted to visit her when she called us up and we got to say Happy Birthday to her!

Cheers.

Moving On

2010-01-01T18:20:00.002-05:00

So, Thanksgiving has passed us by. Christmas followed. I don't mean to sound flippant because it was certainly a stressful and hectic period these last few months. Since September, we have been sort of adrift, getting pulled into chaos of busyness, allowing our sleep schedule to go all to heck, and not really getting anything done. It was our grace period, despite the busy holidays. Don't worry, a lot of lovely photos and videos and stories came from these past few months. Those will get shared.

Then, suddenly, New Year's galvanized us. This year is promising some painful and wonderful changes. I shall show you the ways.

Finalizing divorce.
Our impending marriage and blending of families.
My soon-to-be new last name. ;) (Sure, it's part of the marriage thing but still, it makes me giddy).
Child custody will be finally sorted out.
My sister, her husband, and her child are moving closer to us.
House renovation.
Potential homeschooling/unschooling deal.

So, in reaction, we have set out to do some purging, goal-making, promises, and cathartic writing today. The very first thing Steven did was write many pages on things that we really needed to do. We can't continue to stay adrift. Drifting like that was good for us for a little while, to see in the end what's really important to us. That we have found what is important to us has hit us like tons of bricks. We need to pull ourselves together and start living again the way we want to. This is the general idea of what he drafted out and we agreed on.

Our sleep schedule needs to be back under control so we can feel healthier and brighter.
Food we have been eating lately has been lacking somewhat in imagination and nutrition.
Less caffeine and sugar, more water, tea, juice, and... yeah, water!
We need a new budget plan for what lies for us ahead.
Our home and gardening projects must be underway rather than left to the wayside.
Our emotional health must be cared for in many various ways.
Our plans and dreaming of starting our business needs to be put into action.
And many more, much more specific things.

There are also a lot of things that we've done today and are making plans to do later, plus my more specific new tradition that I'm starting. I also am excited about my new family so I have plans for this, too. I hate to do this to you, but... another list!

I've re-bolstered my plans for what I/We need and want to do for our wedding this year.
We wrote several letters to people and things that will never get read by other people. This was a purging of negative feelings and thoughts, with a promise that I will disengage from these negative things and move on. We did read each other's letters to others, though. It felt so good.
I've created a personal tradition due to a group I joined on CafeMom. Every year, I will read 50+ books and review maybe that much or less. I may start a separate blog for this because I kind of want to do some major reviewing and personal writing. Like, my own stories and poetry, maybe?
I am writing a love letter to my Steven expressing my gratitude that I am starting a New Year with him. It's a special year for us, and I am hoping every year from here on will be special for us too.
Our Blog of Stuffs will be up and running again very soon.
I also hope to take our kids and family on educational road trips to historical and scientific sites, museums, etc. I also want to see if I can start up a reading list for them as well. We would have to make it all very inexpensive and simple due to budget strain and a lot of changes this year. But they are worth it!
His family on his father's side has expressed grave disappointment that he and the children very rarely see them, maybe once a year. They are nearby but it is still somewhat of a drive. They made sure to take delight in telling his new wife (*giddy giggle*) that they are all at Granny's house every Sunday! So, my goal this year is to make it at least once a month to visit. They are truly lovely people.

I have a feeling that this year we will be fine. Mainly because we have people close by that we look up to. I don't know if I expressed enough gratitude to my sister that they are going to be with us starting this year. Steven's family are all so sweet and classy with upbeat attitude (okay, they are also a temperamental lot!) that I look up to many of them, particularly his parents. They're all so good for Steven and the kids that I want to actively encourage more involvement with the family.

Whew. So, how about you all?

Happy New Day everyone.
Oh yeah, and my doodle pic that I was going to make as my signature? It's kind of not on this laptop but I will start putting them in as my signature.
So for now...
- Kay

Favorite Poem of All Time

2009-12-30T23:06:00.001-05:00

Solitude
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,—
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Kay's Reading Challenge for 2010

2009-12-30T22:43:00.013-05:00

So, I've decided to do a 50 Books Challenge for the whole year. It's an idea I stumbled across when I joined CafeMom's Bookaholic Club. They do this thing where you log your reading list for the year and update it as you go. Anyway, I might up it to 100 books if I surpass 50 before or by middle of the year.

So, I have already lined up some books to borrow or purchase for year 2010 reading. I thought I'd get my own list started and date them as they have been started and finished. Just my way of keeping track! ;D These are on my wishlist for now. I won't be reading them in the order they're listed. I also plan to review most of them. I'm going to update this entry to add more books to my list as I find them to make it a complete list of 50 books. If y'all have any recommendations, hollar! :D

NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children by Ashley Merryman, Po Bronson
Divorce Poison by Richard Ades Warshak
Blacklands by Belinda Bauer
Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin
Boneshaker by Cherie Priest (supposed to be a fantastic sci-fi book!)
The Book of Fires: A Novel by Jane Borodale (historical fiction w/ pyrotechnics involved)
Radical Unschooling by Dayna Martin
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
Guerilla Learning by Grace Llewellyn
Shaman's Crossing by Robin Hobb
Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto
Sweet Silver Blues by Glen Cook
The Underground History of American Education by John Taylor Gatto
The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto
Black Hills by Nora Roberts
Under Her Skin by Susan Mallery
Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein
Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein
The Letter from Death by Lillian Moats
Love's First Light by Jamie Carie
Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford
Impossible by Nancy Werlin
Way of the Wolf (The Vampire Earth, book 1) by E.E. Knight
Choice of the Cat (The Vampire Earth, book 2) by E.E. Knight
A Quick Bite by Lynsay Sands
The Other Half Lives by Sophie Hannah
My Best Friend's Girl by Dorothy Koomson
Rosemary and Rue by Seanan McGuire
Churchill's Wizards by Nicholas Rankin
The Broken Window by Jeffrey Deaver
Revelation by C.J. Samson
Dam Busters by Max Arthur
Child 44 by Tom Rob Smith
A Genius for Deception by Nicholas Rankin
The Unschooling Unmanual
Moving a Puddle by Sandra Dodd
If They Give You Lined Paper, Write Sideways by Daniel Quinn
My Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
After Dachau by Daniel Quinn
The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf
A Voyage Long and Strange by Tony Horwitz
Into the Wild Nerd Yonder by Julie Halpern
Death by Darjeeling by Laura Childs
Gunpowder Green by Laura Childs
Dawn (Xenogenesis) by Octavia E. Butler
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Real Story by Stephen R. Donaldson
Forbidden Knowledge by Stephen R. Donaldson

ETA 12/31/09: I added #30 - #34 to my wishlist. These are basically historical books, and one of them is more mystery as it is about identity stealing stuffs. I knew these would be right up Steven's alley, so I want to get them mainly for Steven and I want to read them with him. Like, when he's done, I'll read them, so we could discuss the books together. :) Another update: He *has* read Dambusters and said it was an old book. I was baffled because this was on the list of Top 50 Paperbacks of 2009 as shown in this thread, so I googled it. Came to find out they have a new edition of the book, PLUS they are becoming popular this past year because of the new movie in production for it. He also recognized The Broken Window because of the name Rhyme, I think he recognized it from a movie that's exactly about this but under a different title. He doesn't mind the idea of rereading Dambusters plus familiarizing himself with other books and this is all new to me, so definitely staying on the list!

ETA 01/01/10: I asked about NurtureShock on a group I'm on, and then I looked around at other book recommendations. Of course, I admire Sandra Dodd's writings on her website and definitely want to get her book soon. That, plus it hit me that I still have Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I want to read more of him. That's where #36-#40 comes into play. I'm only 10 books away from completing this list! Seriously, any recommendations?

ETA 01/05/10: So, I made a widget! Lol. What, widgets are fun. I joined Goodreads.com which is a really neat site. They made me a nifty widget, although it only shows 20 books out of all 49. :( Also, my profile: Check out my books on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/profile/happyfacesunite

Hello, Again.

2009-12-16T20:39:00.001-05:00

We've been busy.

I lost my camera.

I'm brokenhearted.

We are currently proceeding with Steven's divorce,

and having somewhat of a battle over his youngest daughter.

Christmas is looking good this year,

despite all the sadness and anger.

I promise to post more updates later;

however, I leave you with this today.

Conversation overheard a few minutes ago:

Reese: "Jared, you know, when I was your age..."

Me interrupting: "What? You were just his age 2 years ago!"

Reese: *blush* "Shuddup!"

A few seconds later.

Reese: "Jared, you know what?"

(conversation continues.)

Oh yeah, and this amused us. Video courtesy of my sister.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Goodbye, Hallowe'en, Until Next Year

2009-11-02T20:24:00.001-05:00

Here is a quick summary of our Hallowe'en Weekend. Below the quick summary listing is a list of more stuff to view that is available to our readers, family, and friends.

Friday:
Drove down and took Tori home.
Spent all day playing.
Boys came home.
We went last minute hunting for pumpkins.
Came home.
Played outside some more.
Steven went and got Dale.
We all hung out outside.
Then went inside when it got dark to carve pumpkins.

Saturday:
Slept in most of the day.
Got ready.
Went Trunk 'r Treating.
Went to Connie's house.
Kids played "Candy Monopoly" (trading candy)
Got Dale on the way home.
Ordered Pizza.

Reese : Haunted Scarecrow (center of photo)

Jared : Ghostbuster dude (corner left forefront)

They made these themselves, with daddy's "help".

Toto : Mermaid (her mama made it for her)

Ken (Papaw) : Piratey!

Steven : Pimp daddy? Haha.

Getting attacked by the Pirate!

Reese consuming one of many cotton candies at Trunk r Treat

Steven thought it'd be funny to take this. Sigh.

:D Home! with one of the poodles.

Sunday:
Lazy.
Had diarrhea from jalapenos overload (pizza).
Kept Tori.

That's pretty much it, folks. ;D
Please check out the following things for your viewing entertainment. These are being updated soon for more photos, videos, and entries to come right after this.

Our photos can be found at facebook and myspace.
Our videos can be found at Youtube at happyfaces channel.
Our projects can be found at our Big Blog of Stuff. Pumpkin seeds are our latest!

Enjoy! :) I hope everyone had a fun, fun, fun Hallowe'en as much as we did!!!

Breeble's Memorial

2009-10-28T23:00:00.001-04:00

Sabrina Katherine Williams

Adopted at 2 years of age in 1994

Lived at the Williams resident

on Rose Lane from the moment
Steven set eyes upon her.

Death: October 28th, 2009 approx. 3:45 pm

She faded away

Like the leaves today

Red and orange and yellow

fell while we watched her go

We promise You this,
from this day on.....
To Remember You,
when the green leaves are gone

so brilliant and brief
like the colors of fall
but Your soul lives forever
so say we all

Here she lies
Put to rest
Under the blue skies
The sun to the west

And we swear to you
When the leaves turn gold
And the frost is a touch of blue
Your memories we will hold.

And the sun goes down

On the saddest day of all.

For the best dog we ever knew -

So say we all.

We love and miss you, Breeble.

Kay's Doodles

2009-10-19T22:42:00.002-04:00

Here are some of my plans and personal reminders. I was having way too much fun with the gel pens not to do this, plus I did a few doodlings, too. These were done on little blank index cards and scanned. It actually shows the colors pretty good, but it's not 100% accurate representation of the gel pens. Enjoy! Oh, also, don't make fun of my handwriting. ;D

These two images on knitting lists are actually from one index card - front and back respectively. The little green dude on the second one was an attempted drawing of Reese's and Jared's favorite medium and subject: clay men. The red/pink fill-ins are supposed to be blood. Not sure why some words here look smeared. Um, ignore the little poem, too. It was just a random, silly thing.

Oh my gosh, wow. Well, didn't expect this one to turn out like that. You can clearly see the sparkles and raised bumps which is a combined result of the paper and raised ink itself. I'm thinking about making this my blog signature. :D

Here is a smaller form of that signature. Perhaps with it looking smaller, it will show how it looks normally. Eh, I dunno.

I really need to start back on hubpages and write something new. Plus, I have also been neglecting my fictional short stories. I also wanted to write more insightful, prosey stuff on here. Also, get some serious knitting done as well as working on the house.

I have to admit, I'm feeling more frustrated about this wedding thing. I haven't done anything tangible yet, like ... actually starting a savings account for the wedding, working on invitation plans, and stuff. I've never had a wedding before and I don't really have anyone (read: a female with experience) to work this out with me. I considered perhaps just fully eloping.

Anyway, working on my new network eased me a bit. I'm actually doing something a bit productive and it's been making me think a lot more. It is also compelling me to do some more reading and soul-searching on stuff. Some of my favorite people are on there already; those with a lot of thoughts, experiences, and values to contribute to the network. I like it as it is now, but the more, the merrier is nice, too. ;) No real discussions or chit chat has cropped up yet, but that will soon come.

Oh! Steven promised me he'd doodle his own signature for when he does contribute to this blog. I'm thinking about seeing if the kids would like to doodle for the blog, as well. They are very amazing artists. I love the way they do things.

Here's a little nugget from a daily e-mail subscription. It's from Scott Noelle. This kind of stuff really serves my emotional well-being. It really makes sense.

:: Your Emotional Guidance ::

Nature designed our bodies to feel *pleasure* when we
do things that are good for us and *pain* when we do
things that aren't. For example, eating feels good
when you're hungry, but it hurts when you're full.

Just as physical feelings are meant to guide us toward
physical well-being, *emotions* are a higher order of
feelings meant to guide us toward *spiritual*
well-being -- that is, to guide our thoughts.

When your thoughts are aligned with your Higher Self,
you feel pleasureful emotions like peace and love.
When your thoughts are out of alignment with your
Higher Self, you feel painful emotions like fear and
resentment.

Today, be mindful of your emotions and notice the
thoughts that accompany them. Tell yourself that
ALL emotions are good -- even the "negative" ones --
because they are there to guide you back to your Self.

http://dailygroove.net/emotional-guidance

Kayla

Freedom Is Earned?

2009-10-16T15:32:00.001-04:00

Here is where I pose a question.
Apparently, soldiers and people are fighting everyday for our freedom. Doesn't it seem like they are fighting for the freedom to give up freedom? Everyday, we watch many rights and freedom get taken away in the names of peace, organization, or civilization. They don't seem like they're being taken away if you're not looking close enough, but they are. You get two choices: You do this or else. Slippery slope arguments are given against the choice they don't want you to pick.

Jean Liedloff, as well as many other anthropologists, have showed us cultures where there are naturally freedom and peace. This occurs when there are no rules put in place. It occurs because humans have a desire for cradle to death security so they build around their group of tribes to provide each other utter well-being. It occurs because instinct tells us how to survive enjoying life and having well-being, by living up to personal standards. Intellect is good and all, but intellect also gets in the way of instinct so there must be a balance. Balance is usually achieved in those societies. Instinct is given a bad rap because no one realizes that instinct has evolved for years to give humans the tools to survive and the design of that was/is brilliant. Instinct evolved differently for other animals as suits their tools for survival so arguments against our own instincts using animal instincts as examples are pretty irrelevant.

The civilization we live in does not truly provide cradle to death security and as a result we scramble in the wrong directions to achieve a small comfort of security. In the scramble towards that, we raise our children to obey and learn the lesson of obedience rather than actual well-being. Then, we watch the security slip through our fingers and the peoples go through stages of rebellion, anger, bitterness, hatred, and then resignation. The saddest of all is resignation.

We are watching this happen with education, workforce, and home life. This occurred to me as I was researching homeschooling for us. Here are the requirements for our location: Homeschooling in TN Req. Basically, if you're not doing good enough or your kids aren't still following the Public School pace, they can easily require that you put your children back in school. Of course, that doesn't include "learning impaired" kids - they will never be doing good enough anyway. I have one thing to say about that last bit. I'm going to quote Dale on this: "You learn for life. Once you stop learning, you are dead. Your body may continue, but your brain is dead or your soul is basically gone". Well-said. "Learning impaired" is bullshit. :) Humans, no matter the age, are designed to learn, no matter what. Being impaired is usually a label of not going with the pace of recommended school experts. Or not learning exactly what they designated for you to learn.

Also, once high school hits, you must have a bachelor's degree (4-yr college) in Arts, Science, Humanities, Economics, Business, Fine Arts, or Medicine in order to homeschool your children. This is provided that you can't get a waiver on this. You lose your freedom to pick "curriculum" once they are in high school, and in the rush to teach them about 'real life', you are required to do college prep and/or General subjects for graduation. Now, this is where I scratch my head. I have to be college advanced in order to homeschool high school level kids? We are not eligible to "educate" our own children? What about a 2-year degree, why is that not enough? Once they graduate, they can learn their own college shit if they choose by going to college. I don't feel that we have to be so far superior over them in education to homeschool them. I don't feel that we can screw up their ability to learn so bad that they never figure out on their own how to live in this world.

ETA: As for curriculum and stuff, I'm coming from the standpoint of unschooling. Life is all the 'prep' there is to live. Granted, teachers have the degrees required to teach (and yet students still continue to 'fail' by the school system's standards). Parents are not required to have degrees to be a parent; only love, instinct, and common sense (which not many have because a lot of that is squashed by our culture). I think that the fact that we have accumulated so much knowledge *and* experience over the years makes parents eligible to be the mentors and the security of the children. It is the insecurity of the parents who insist other people can do the parenting job for them (like raising them to be obedient little people which is what goes on in schools). Also, people never fail to tell their children, "One day, you'll learn from life and figure out things aren't fair". Okay, so ... life *is* more eligible to teach human beings than prescribed teachers will ever be! You are ALREADY learning from life; hell, you're living it. Is that really so hard to grasp? As for being fair? Overrated concept. For me, it's more about feeling good and having healthy well-being than being right or fair.

Parents are essentially no longer good enough for the kids unless they follow mandates of higher degrees. The freedom of choosing what to learn and how to learn is severely limited. I can understand standardized testing and attendance records to check that the children are not being neglected at home. But that's not usually the reasons provided for those things. The reason is to measure the child's progress in learning that should be immeasurable in the first place.

As for the generalities of freedom, I don't ever think it has to be earned. It has to be fought for in this civilization, yes, but freedom was already there for us before humans in recent history decided to make freedom a precious commodity that has to be paid for. For our kids, I won't teach them that this is how it must be. Instead, I want to provide them an environment that supports complete security of their own well-being and self esteem. It is only from this that they will learn independence. The road to independence does not begin with independence. It begins with fulfilling their needs to support their well-being in order for them to grow into their own. Freedom comes naturally from this. Freedom of self.

Aaaarrrgh!

2009-10-14T00:10:00.001-04:00

;D
Enjoy!!

Also, Dale, Tori, and Steven says hi!

Struggles and Huggles

2009-10-12T23:53:00.001-04:00

Yes, I rhymed the title. ;D Yes, it's corny, I know, but I love it.

(Re-reading back over these blogs, I think I want to change the tone of my writing. It seems like I try too hard to be clear and such. I also sound corny 85% of the time. Frak it. Also, these will be the last clarifications I make for a while!! Seriously. Let the blog breathe.)

We're a bit frustrated. Several things have unfolded here lately that we're learning to cope with by taking it in stride and knowing we are here for each other. I have no doubt that the kids feel and sense tension, so we have been trying our best to find peace with what's going on. I'm surprised in the few short weeks since Steven and I decided on the wedding date we've received some hostility from a few people so far. Normally, people don't really announce these things until closer to the fact and yet there are some who have their hackles raised about not being notified 'sooner'.

1) My mother. Really, it's important to me that at some point we resolve this conflict about the wedding between us. I think it's important to her, too. So, I'm hoping we at least have some sort of phone call here soon, plus I think I'm expecting a visit from her. All I ask is some emotional support and her being happy for my happiness. I will give as much reassurances she needs that I know what I'm doing. I respect the fact that she is concerned and blindsided by this announcement. I'm pretty concerned for her, as I am sure she is for me.

2) Steven's ex-wife. She recently came across this blog by accident. She is somewhat undone by this and, in our attempts to clarify and be respectful, Steven and I find ourselves drained. I understand her needing to know about these things as both have a responsibility to know/tell what big events are going on or are going to happen around the kids.

I would also like to clarify several things with this post as it has been brought up from recent struggles with not just these two but others:

I have been with Steven for over a year and living with him for 6 months.
Custody agreements: Tori lives with her mother and her mother's boyfriend full-time. Teena will be living with her, as well, if/when she returns from residential care. The boys live with Steven and I full-time. It seems from my writings that this is not the case. I was presenting the situation as both parents had mutual, full, shared custody of three, whereas she has sole full custody of Teena. The impression received from that was that *we* had full custody of 3 whereas she had full custody of 1. Well, here is the clarification. It does not hide the fact that the ex-wife and Steven are biological parents.
Childraising agreements: There are actually none. The agreement between them when they were living together under one roof is void. The way we do things at our house will obviously be different from the way things are done at hers. When the boys and Tori are over there, her rules apply. When they are over here, ours apply. Same goes for when they go to their mamaw and papaw's, their rules apply.
Stepparenting Role: I fully believe in respecting the kids and their relationship with their parents. This means I do not overstep my boundaries by pushing myself as the authority or the parent or even the stepparent. They each choose how the relationship will be with me, I choose to make myself available to them as they need. I have never (and will never) attempted to replace their mother in any way. Just because they are happy here, as well as with their grandparents, does not mean they don't miss their mama.
I am in no way forcing Steven to become someone he does not want to be. I am also in no way being forced to live here with him. The projects being done here are shared projects between all family members and they all choose the pace and the methods done. I am fully the happiest here than I ever really have been and I choose to be here. I choose to marry this guy and I am fully aware of the complicated situation I am in in order to be with him. He chooses to marry me despite my age and my occasional immaturity ;) (actually my immaturity is on level with his, so it works out pretty well).

So, now for the Huggles!

Steven spontaneously made an effort to get in touch with an old friend. It turned out to be one of the best things Steven ever did to make himself happy. This guy is so on par with Steven intellectually and spiritually that I feel like they're really soul brothers. Hanging around both of them is fascinating, too. Their warped sense of humor.. well, I'm never bored around these two boys.

This guy can really hold his own with me, too. We've discussed everything from religion to beer. He tried to give me lessons on handling guns. Good luck with that! ;D He is just a very positive man to be around. The ideas they talked about for the potential business were pretty awesome, too. Did I mention they knew each other since elementary school? That's how far back they go, such old men that they are. Hi, Dale! *wave* Once I wrangle a permission from him, I'll post a picture of him here sometime soon.

As an aside, Steven and I felt really content with each other. We realize we really do have each other's backs when we are feeling like we're being attacked or when we are simply feeling negative. We also have our families, our friends, and our children, furries and non-furries alike. Oh, and our house. Yes, we think our house is an entity with a soul. Get over it.

Look at What We Got! [Eye Candy Alert!]

2009-10-10T20:48:00.003-04:00

I hate to admit that I *loved* getting things this week. Actually, we all do. It smacks of materialism, but guess what? The stuff we got is primarily for our itchy hands, itchy brain, itchy eyes, and such. These will last us forever. The lesson in knitting and crocheting, the things we will make, the lesson in cultural anthropology, and accepting the pull in our innate Self to align with certain balance and harmony for the family.

First is my obsession with taking up knitting and crafty things, so.... Aren't they beautiful?! I still have the desire to buy more things and Steven has given me $30 for my continuing obsession. The boys and I all briefly experimented with the gel pens. Thanks to the boys for modeling so beautifully for me.

Second, the book for Steven came in the mail ~~yesterday~~ two days ago and it is gorgeous. Gorgeous, I tell you! We've already skimmed over it, and he has read some of it so far. It's incredibly inspiring. First, they have this bit about history of muscle-powered machines, then our modern necessity, then they go into details about how hand-cranked or pedal-powered machines can be made. It's simple and it's fantastic. Expect a sole review from us on this book.

Finally, my book came in the mail ~~today~~ yesterday and ~~I'm already halfway through it~~ (since this was in draft for one day) I completed it.. I had to re-order a copy of The Continuum Concept because my first one got lost somehow and I only got to read two chapters of it. Here it is.

It made my heart race and my brain and fingertips tingle. I think my eyes enjoyed staring at it a little too much. So far in reading, I have felt inspired, ashamed, struck with understanding and revelations, sadness, near depression, and near euphoria. I felt personal sadness at my increasing need for a baby. I realized to myself that I may lose some of this because I can't fully comprehend it with my civilized mind, but that's okay because I will remember the feeling of liberation and truth in reading these words. Also, I will record my thoughts and review on the matter.

There you go. See, I keep my promises!

Oh, and we caught the Momo doing something naughty. I have evidence.

Heidi will conclude this for us. This is her saying, "Why in the hell are you taking all these pictures? Why is daddy covered in stuff?!"

Yarny Things, Gelly Pens, and the Date

2009-10-08T18:42:00.002-04:00

It's time for breaking news! Plus updates and silly things. No eye-candy in this entry, but there will be upcoming ones.

The News!
Steven and I set a wedding date. Yes, a wedding date! A year from now, we will be Mr. and Mrs. Steven Williams. Or better yet, Steven and Kayla Williams. The nifty part? The date lines up like this: 10/01/10. 10:01 (or just 1001) has always been a number that caught my eye on clocks, phones, passing license plates, et cetera. Steven was actually the one to suggest that date and I agreed. Even niftier part? We set the date exactly at 10/01/09 at 11 pm. Now, I bet you're wondering how the kids are taking the news. They thought we were already married! They did say they wanted to be ring bearers and flowerboys. (Flowerboys? What??) Yup, you saw that correctly. I think it's adorable. Reese may even let me braid his rat tail. ;D

Steven and I discussed further plans for the wedding and we've decided that it will mainly be a party/ceremony type thing. I refuse to wear traditional shimmery white virginal wedding gown and do a march down the aisle in a church. Besides, Steven already went through that once. So, we will be planning ahead of time to allow people to be part of our big step in life, but we will secretly elope! Okay, it's not a secret anymore, but STILL! =D We are going to have the name-change arrangement, marriage license, etc on the day of the wedding, be all legit married before people come, and then we will have a ceremony of toasts, alcohol, casual wear, poetry reading, exchange of rings, and exchange of vows.

I guess I'll just make an all-about-wedding post sometime soon. But the point is. The kids are happy about it, Steven's family are happy about it, I'm the happiest about it, and Steven is just as happy as I am about it. I can't say the same for my family since they think:
1) I live my life "unattractively" so I shouldn't marry, i.e., I have piercings, I dye my hair red or orange occasionally, and I take humorous, goofy, off-the-wall pictures of Steven and me that may or may not have very mild [read: non-existent] sexual implications (look at my facebook and see for yourself),
2) I'm ill-prepared for a huge life-change such as being married to the guy I was already going to live with the rest of my life anyway (and have already lived with for a while),
3) I'm too immature to marry, plus I have no life experiences, I'm 21 years old and I have "never had a chance to live life" (what have I been doing the past 21 years?). I'm supposed to have fun, travel, go to college, shop around for guys since I only had one serious relationship, etc, which brings up the next...
4) Steven is too old for me. He is 17 years my senior. I think he is the most attractive, brilliant man in this world, and his age is just a bonus ;). And,
5) "I will never be a real mother." I never planned to be one to these kids. I do have "experience" in that I lost my real mother at 18 months old and no one could ever replace my mother. I love these kids with all my heart and I will be there for them anytime they need me, but not as a replacement of their real mother. She is still ever present in their lives and loves them. The fact that my mother would say this to me and never let me have a word in edgewise broke my heart.

Hmm. I won't play the "I'm wise for my age" card because, um, I'm not and I don't ever want to be a know-it-all. I don't find college the least bit interesting. I travel best with a fantastic, likeminded companion (my fiance!). I'd rather enjoy life. So, I *am* having fun, thanks. And I really need to shop around to fall in love? Not my thing, thanks. I think Steven adores me the way I am, otherwise the guy would never commit himself to another marriage. Smart man, that one. I certainly hope I don't have to be "attractive" (i.e.; not myself, conformed, getting a degree in something I don't need, following everyone else's prescription of how life should be lived, etc) for Steven to love me and to marry me. Likewise, I love him exactly how he is, flaws and all. He's such a temperamental man, his scowl makes my heart skip a beat, and he is bullheaded. Remember, there is more than one way to happiness, and more than one way to live life, and for me, that means I have no need for their definition of success.

However, my sister and her family are excited about this. They are just as thrilled, especially since she is my Maid of Honor ... but it will be in an un-traditional way, dammit! We are going to make all kinds of cool stuff for the special day.

That brings me to...

Yarny Things and Gelly Pens!
The most interesting part, I'm sure, for any reader that stumbles across this. As I said, we are planning on making cool shit for the special day. This means, handmade stuff by Charlene, me, the kids, Steven, and his mama if I can rope her into it.

Will I learn knitting, crocheting, cross stitching, and quilting in time to make little items as jewelry, clothing, table run, scrapbook covers, etc in time for the wedding? Hey, it's a challenge I'm willing to rise to the occasion for! Plus, I have been wanting to do these things for a long time anyway, so I'm excited to give more meaning to this ... like say, a special wedding ceremony. ;D I got a whole year!! Wish me luck, and maybe send me some patterns, instructional books, words of wisdom, et cetera.. blah blah.. whatever.. my way! =D

So, I ended up buying some yarn, knitting needles, crochet hooks, gorgeous metallic gel ink pens, neat decorative papers, etc. Oh gawd. The pens! I. Love. Them. I've returned to my former obsession for awesome gel pens all thanks to Arpelia. She insists on taking no responsibility for my newest addictions, but I blame her! Just because I can and I'm special like that. So now, I'm taking applications for special pen pals so I can have all sorts of excuses for using these pens. Oh, and send me any gel ink pens my way, if you wish. ;D

Like I said, eye candy is soon to come. I did manage one row of knit stitching after getting frustrated with learning slip knot and casting on. I tied up the ends, saved it, and it will be my little 'first knit stitches' to preserve.

Oh and Steven has given me $30 to get more ... crafty stuff. =D Any suggestions? Actually, since I really don't have readers at this point, I will just read more of Marte's blog and get some ideas.

Seeking Together

2009-10-04T16:45:00.001-04:00

I've been doing a lot of reading. Who hasn't? Without you knowing it, you're reading. It's a subconscious thing when the eye sees and the mind interprets. You're reading body language, written words, hand gestures, facial expressions, and more. As you converse and listen, you're reading. Things happen together that makes up the social construct of human beings.

Speaking of happening together, my mind has been stuck on the word 'competition'. Competition in today's world is striving to succeed, to be better than something else or someone else. It's with the notion that things are scarce and you have to fight for the resources. If you don't get it, someone else will. You're supposed to succeed, you're supposed to win something, you're supposed to be better, you're supposed to have rivals.

Many of my favorite reading materials have at one point or the other covered competition. Scott Noelle wrote in Competition vs. Creativity: We civilized folk seem to be addicted to competition — obsessed with who is the best and the worst, who has the most and the least, who are the winners and the losers. In our culture we habitually frame most everything in terms of conflict and competition. He also says: The best state in which to raise kids is not a place, it’s a state of being — a state that transcends competition, dissolves conflicts, increases love and compassion, and facilitates learning. I call this state “creative presence.” Children call it “play.”

Jean Liedloff has written briefly on it when describing the tribe she lived among: Babies of the Yequana tribe, far from needing peace and quiet to go to sleep, snoozed blissfully whenever they were tired, while the men, women, or children carrying them danced, ran, walked, shouted, or paddled canoes. Toddlers played together without fighting or arguing, and they obeyed their elders instantly and willingly.

There are various descriptions throughout her writing that has shown that competition was completely unnecessary in the environment of this tribe. Toddlers played together without fighting or arguing! This shows they did not feel the need to compete over something. They often had games that would not be considered competitive but rather cooperative and fun.

With me so far? I mused on those readings and mentally reviewed all the cultural messages I've been taught growing up, as well as remembered personal writings my friends wrote on how to succeed and such. Where did the word crop up and how did we associate it so negatively? How did we make it so that others have to lose? Why should it even be a versus deal like competition versus creativity?

An old dictionary pulled off our bookshelf, as well as online dictionary and entymology sites, brought these particular definitions and origins to me.

Merriam-Webster says:

1 : the act or process of competing : rivalry: as a : the effort of two or more parties acting independently to secure the business of a third party by offering the most favorable terms b : active demand by two or more organisms or kinds of organisms for some environmental resource in short supply

2 : a contest between rivals; also : one's competitors

myetymology.com says:

Classical Latin word is competere. Petere is to seek, attack, aim at, desire. Latin prefix com- is together. The other variations on cum or com are near, with, together.

Maybe I missed something, but how did a word that literally means seek together become fight against each other? I definitely don't buy the notion that we have to work against each other in order to succeed. I don't even think succeeding in modern terms is healthy. Success is usually at the expense of someone else.

So, I prefer to consider competing creatively. That is, to seek together creatively. Anytime that anyone feels the need to fight over something, there is a lot of dis-empowerment going on, a lot of insecurity, feelings that you have to be better or that the resources (love, attention, seats, food) are scarce. There is something wrong then that causes that mindset. Why not seek together without fear of "losing" or the mindset to "win" and "be better than ___"? Why not enjoy life and live in the moment?

This reminds me of several things my stepkids actually do fight over. The seats in the back of the truck cab (two seats and a floor in the middle), the old french fries from the day before, a toy no one knows who it really belongs to, and our attention. I have to admit, in those moments I didn't breathe and find my center. I was baffled as to why they would fight over old french fries since we had food and were getting food soon from the festival we were heading towards. Considering back over to that time, we hadn't left yet and the boys had grabbed the happy meals box from the back of the truck. It had belonged to Tori from the night before and she snatched it from them. This caused a lot of snatching going around and yelling by the time we got to them. When Tori had it again, she was stuffing her face with old fries.

Her explanation was that she was hungry and she wanted them now and those fries were hers. The territorial attitude she exuded set off the defensive stance from the boys. This escalated into almost a brawl in which we had to separate them. We reverted to our old admonishing techniques. But thinking back now, those words I used to explain the situation really represented my attitude of the situation at the time. Our reaction to it didn't help matters any, either.

Steven and I discussed this later. We went over the Law of Attraction, the fact that the Universe gives, we rarely go hungry despite the lack of money, etc. We have been modeling scarcity, though, to the kids. We need to change the focus to abundance and acknowledge the fact that our kids see this and imitate it. We did not honor them. We did not model this version of competing creatively that I brought up above. So I asked Steven, "What will we do the next time this scenario comes up?"

Our answer was to observe the situation, separate the kids from hurting each other, and give off the "Everything is Okay" vibe. Show that we're not angry and we understand, then simply take the fries (or whatever it happens to be the next time this unfolds) out of the equation. Acknowledge the fact that Tori (or whoever it may be) felt the need to compete (in the modern sense) and change the situation into where they are cared for and fed. The need for competition in this situation may entirely become unnecessary and obsolete. We want to model the whole "creative competition" in that we seek together what we want/need in the moment and make it fun.

As we learn, this may or may not be the "right" answer for our family. Maybe something fun and creative will occur and we will find ourselves laughing and secure. Remember, we have choices. This in itself is liberating and true.

Life is Sooo Good

2009-09-29T00:14:00.004-04:00

I am appreciating all the little and big changes going on. I watch Steven come out of his shell. When I awake, he is usually already out of bed. I always go looking for him and when I find him, seeing him happy in what he is doing, it truly brightens my day. Then I look into the living room and the boys are laughing together. When Tori is with us, the laughter doubles. The house is full of amazing happy sounds and energies. We soak this up and join in. We have been mindful of our blessings and breathing in our luck.

The slow gradual change from hot to cool brings out the excitement in us. We made plans to work on the kids' bedrooms and strip down wallpaper this weekend. We ended up doing more cleaning and wallpaper stripping in the living room Sunday afternoon. Watching the room open up piece by piece made us feel good. The room is brighter and as a result looks bigger.

[First pic is Steven.]

The boys were getting too big for their small room. Tori had the bigger room. It seems silly for one little girl to have the bigger room and she is home only on weekends. But to her, it's important to keep it. However, as a compromise, I told her we'd paint the smaller room with pink and blue (one day! right now we really have no money), and turn her bunk bed into a cottage loft. This means her little kitchenette and dining area is going to be put under her top bunk and we will add things outside of it to give it a cottage look. She loved this idea and decided she can give her bigger room up for the boys.

The harder part is going to be the boys' new room. They want separate beds now, and the walls are "coral", an almost orange pink color. We have no money yet to paint, but I can't really imagine them staying in a pink room. They said they would handle it for awhile until we can paint over it. So the rooms have officially been switched today!! It looks amazing so far. It's still a work in progress, but we got *a lot* done in 8 hrs! We have to organize the boys room and clean up Tori's new room before we set up her loft and furniture tomorrow.

The boys came home from school an hour after we had started the work. They jumped in and helped out whenever they could. They were too excited and helped us plan out where the furniture should go. Planning this stuff out is really important due to the fact that the rooms are not actually very big at all and they have bulky furniture, as well as tons of stuff. I love this new thing we have now. Originally, there were two big pieces of furniture; each were basically a small bookcase ontop of a cabinet. Well, in this newer arrangement... well, nevermind, I think I can share a video or two!

Alright, here are the videos. Embedding it doesn't seem to work for now, so... here are the links!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThYBFpe66dA this one is early on in our work.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDOnrTCpQVs almost done!!! more work to do, though.

The past few weeks, everyone felt too impatient to wait for October to put up the Halloween decorations. So, we put up these up. Oh, we took so many goofy pictures that actually turned out looking Halloweeny and awesome!

From top left to bottom right : Reese with the skull (Shakespeare in the making?), Reese grabbing Jared, Daddy jumped in to save Jared, Night-Time Decs (black/white photo), and finally the night-time decs again with color!

Reese is listening to the same kind of music we are, so we've been putting those in his mp3 player. Now he does this thing just like his dad does, like air strumming and head banging. He was all obsessed with the idea of Halo for his halloween costume, but now he wants to be an evil scarecrow. I think his ideas are brilliant. He already knows exactly how he will do it. All we really have to do is get him the materials and assist him in putting it together the way he wants. He has this adorable laugh, where if he is super tickled, he will giggle and giggle and his cheeks turn pink. He does this over his evil costume, at his various ideas for scaring the crap out of people. Gotta adore this mischievous spawn.

Jared has been on a Ghostbuster kick for awhile now. He has stayed glued to the computer looking at all kinds of videos on youtube on Ghostbusters. We have been planning on helping him make his Ghostbusters costume. He has become much more independent, as well, doing his own thing on the computer and enjoying his time alone with us when Reese stays at his mamaw's. He won't sleep alone, though, and that's fine with us. He is very comfortable with just sitting in our laps and talking with us. I love his latest excitement over his costume, how his face lights up when he talks.

Tori. Well, Tori is for us a mixture of sadness and happiness. Sadness when she is gone, happiness when she is here. She is a laughing child, full of energy. I can't capture her on camera half the time because she's this blur! So when I do have clear photos of her, I can't help but share them obsessively! Poor thing, she has been sick - throwing up, losing energy here and there. It's always noticeable when she gets sick because it's like a sudden switch from all this energy to laying limp on the couch. She is much more vocal about her frustrations, so we almost always know when to step in quickly in time to prevent a tantrum fit and help meet her needs the best we can. We've noticed lately the bigger she gets, the more she really looks like her Mamaw (Steven's mom). If she smiles a certain way, it looks just like Connie. Btw, first pic is actually of me and her!

Our main sadness right now is Teena. She may not be Steven's biological child (his first wife's child from her first marriage), but she was his first daughter. It looks like our usual bi-monthly visits will be pushed a bit further apart because of the new insurance taking over the reimbursements that funds the trips between us and their mom. It's usually very hard to make those trips, but well worth it to see her pretty face and hear her actually call him dad. She rarely calls her parents mom and dad, usually she calls them by their names.

I think I have summarized a lot of updates from over the past few weeks. This family is still happy with the decision to truly respect each other. We are conversing, opening up, hugging, laughing, playing, and making big and small choices everyday. Steven and I rarely prohibit them from anything unless it is specifically dangerous and/or part of a compromise in defusing a fight. We're still learning, taking those baby steps. We are opening up just as much as our home is.

By the way... WE HAVE PROOF! Yes, we do. We have proof that Reese can be kind and loving towards his sister and that he loves her! (This is an ongoing inside joke where Reese very rarely hugs her or messes with her at all, so we make a point to notice every now and then just to play around. But for the most part, we let it go and let things naturally happen without making too much fuss.)

This is Better Than T.V.!

2009-09-13T20:37:00.005-04:00

I never did get around to posting a blog about the other evening. That will be a post for another time. Maybe if I feel particularly productive, I'll post another after this sometime later tonight. Right now, I'm far too excited about breadmaking and Tori's stories. I am, also, however excited about our new plans for survival and our backyard adventures today, which will be included in the new post.

As for this afternoon. First, I mixed up beef with some sauce and garlic, then let it sit in a bowl covered. Then I put together ingredients for our buns. Steven and I put it in the bread machine his mom lent us to knead for about 10 or so minutes. After that, we divided them and put them into little balls on the pan and then let it rise for 25 minutes.

It's during these 25 minutes that was magical. Tori was entertaining me with stories while I anxiously waited on the dough to rise. So, let me share with you two of her stories.

That Puppy's Got Talent!

This little petshop puppy has a talent.

The puppy can balance on balls, with a pen and other stuff on its head. The puppy practices everyday because she knows she has a lot of talent! Her buddy, the Lizard, saw this.

"Wow, Puppy, you have a lot of talent!

Please, please do it again! Show me."

"Well, I don't know..." The puppy said. "You have to promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

The puppy whispered in the Lizard's ear and the Lizard said, "Okay! Now are you going to show me?"

"Sure!"

The puppy balanced on two bouncy balls

and had a kitten on it's head!

The Little Bird and the Diamond

They were playing a game with bouncy balls. There were two bouncy balls and one little diamond. They were talking and talking and playing.

The little bird said, "Wow, this ball is pretty!"

They said, "Silly bird, that's not a ball. That's a diamond..."

The bird gasped and looked closer, "A diamond?!"

"Yes," they said, "A pretty diamond. And look, it is your size!"

"Why, yes, yes it is! Can I play with it?"

"Of course you can, Little Bird."

And they all played together happily ever after.

Delicious Bread!

Unfortunately, by the time the dough had finished rising and we were ready to bake, Tori's mother came and got her. First time in baking, we hadn't quite gotten the timing down right for us all to eat together. Nonetheless, afterwards, once the bread finished baking and the meat was cooked, I couldn't resist a picture. It made the house smell so, so good. I love it. It'll be hard to go for regular storebought bread after this.

Yeah, the picture unfortunately blurred.

BUT! Despite it, you can see past it

to the deliciousness and the steam and

the golden beauty of it.

First Stumbling Steps to Trust and Rebuilding Relationships

2009-09-09T09:04:00.000-04:00

A little update on yesterday.

(Expect another post later this evening!)

We've begun to encourage our kids to eat what they choose and where they choose in our home. So, I told the boys what their daddy and I were making (our favorite sloppy joes casserole!), and that if they didn't want that, we will make something of their choosing for them if they were hungry. They unanimously voted for ramen noodles. However, it didn't stop Jared from wanting to help me with making the biscuits. He kept yelling out, "Oh this feels COOL" when he squished his little fingers into the bisquick mix we'd made. He also liked sprinkling TONS of flour all over it to make it non-sticky. Watching his handful of "sprinkles", I commented to him that perhaps that will make it as unsticky as it will get! He giggled and patted the mixture down to a flat dough on the plate. I must say after it was done baking and put into our casserole for further baking, it turned out really delicious!

Here is a photo of Jared enjoying the process of rolling the left-over dough back up.

(it was a quick photo taken by cell phone, while my hands were dusted with flour)

First problem arose when Reese didn't want to move over to make room for his brother at the kitchen table. It was upsetting Jared and Reese became further hostile. Finally, Steven said, "Move over." (In hindsight, we really should have just asked Reese or Jared if they would sit where ever else they preferred). Reese moved to the opposite end of the bench they were sharing and ate in anger. We asked him what was bothering him and he went on this seemingly irrelevant topic about alphabetical order in school. Then we realized this was the topic he had been talking about this past week and a half. The school system, as most parents know, does the alphabetical order line-up for lunch. The first letter of our last name ensured his place at the end of the line.

Then, he ended that with, "Why does my name have to be a girl's name?" He knows where his name came from, but doesn't fully recognize the importance of it. It really hurt Steven's feelings and he left the table for a few minutes. When he returned, Jared asked nervously if daddy was okay to which he tersely replied he was fine. I got upset by Steven's anger since he was still glaring at Reese, so we went out to talk about it. He calmed down visibly and then when we came back in, the kids were done and watching tv. He went back in to finish his food and then called Reese in to talk.

I was very proud of both of them for how they handled this conversation. Steven explained why it hurt his feelings (the name came from his grandfather) and kindly asked that he didn't hear this from Reese anymore. Reese understood and asked questions about it. Then, Steven said, "This alphabetical thing is bothering you, why don't you explain why?" Reese didn't fully know how to articulate it, but he finally said it just bothered him to have to sit next to his brother all the time and having to sit where they tell him to.

When we explained to him that Jared or him can sit anywhere else that they wish in the house, he resisted and said, "No I will sit where I have to".

I finally explained this: "Remember how we told you what daddy and I were making, and we asked if you wanted something else instead? And you guys wanted ramen noodles instead, so that's what you got? Well, you get that same freedom in choosing where you want to sit."

That finally sunk in and he said, "Ohh". Then immediately after that, Steven and Reese got to talking about silly things and they were laughing. The tension in the house had obviously disappeared and Jared climbed into my lap to cuddle me. It's a good beginning: we are learning to trust them, as they are learning to trust us. It's kind of sad we have to begin so late, but better late than never I suppose. Steven and I are loving their freedom as much as they are and we just want them to be healthy and comfortable with themselves and their home.

Our Family

2009-09-08T17:24:00.001-04:00

Recently, I stumbled across this video: FoxNews on Unschooling. It's surprising when something comes up as a reminder of an original goal. First, however, here is a little background on us.

I'm a twenty-one year old soon-to-be SAH stepmama to four children and a soon-to-be wife to their father. The love of my life, their father, is thirty-eight years old. There is the oldest daughter who is 13, autistic, and currently in Atlanta at the residential hospital for her psychosis. It's been agreed that her mother will have the main custody of Teena. The other three are in shared custody of their father and their mother: 9 y/o son Reese, 7 y/o son Jared, and a 5 y/o daughter Tori.

We have seven dogs, one cat, and one fish in the house. One dog is about 17 years old, blind and deaf, and she wanders around peeing and pooping everywhere. Yes, we still manage to keep the whole house relatively clean! It's the little things that gets done everyday, in conjunction with about an hour of deep cleaning every other day. The trick is to not expect perfection and be content when the house is sanitary.

The path leading up to this formation of the family has been an interesting one. In the chaos, we are incredibly happy with where we are and where we plan to be. I also have taken the approach of allowing them to see me as they want - simply as Kay rather than stepmother or mother. I see no need to label what I'm currently doing for them, only that I continue to do what I can for them and to be with them. I've known them for five years and became part of this family for a year. Rather than starting with an infant of my own, I've taken on three children at home and I love them as my own. The boys live with their father and me, and in turns, with Steven's parents. DD5 lived with us for the most part, but she has gone to school her mother works at several towns away. The rest of the path before this is a far complicated one to explain.

Back to that video. It was five years ago that I had come across unschooling as a concept and a practice. I googled "alternative living" (I was a vegetarian and finding all kinds of labels for the life I was trying to live) which led me to Unhindered Living, Continuum Concept, attachment parenting, Julie Persons, homesteading, Susan Dodd, John Taylor Gatto, John Holt, and more. The thoughts I got out of that has stuck with me and I became determined that this was how I was going to raise my future child. The ones that really stuck were unschooling and attachment parenting.

Fast forward to the day this video was released on FoxNews website - Saturday 5th, 2008. I rarely looked at the news, but I was using Steven's desktop to check my email. When I hit the firefox browser and it loaded, it went straight to Steven's designated homepage which was (and is), of course, Fox News. I found that video and I spent the whole day going back over things I used to read and the new things that had come along since then. It reminded me of my original goal and that I had diverted from it. When had I done it? I was imitating the behaviors of their biological parents, which was/is totally authoritarian. I was also allowing myself to do it because it was easier to go into that mode than to breathe and remember those are children we're looking at. It was the mode I had also transformed into when I had babysat them for my 'friends' years ago. The past months became tense, filled with yelling, cringing, and anger. I truly had become the Evil Stepmother. God, that was a kick in the ass.

So, over this past weekend, Steven and I outlined our outlook and potential changes. He recognized that there was another way to be with his children, a gentler and patient way. We discovered our new goal for the home we have and the family we have. Both of us being known for our impatience and temper, as well as our children, we are anticipating the challenge with open arms. Being a wanna-be writer ( ;) ), this means I must archive our progress, so hence this blog.

Anyway, here is the outline Steven and I agreed on. I had shared this with my sister, so I included sources. Remember, these are our first steps! This outline is totally open to changes and progress. The more we go along and the more observations/thoughts, the more revising this outline will receive. We can't go into unschooling yet, but we can start with this in the goal of a happy home, a safe sanctuary. (Gosh, alliterations everywhere, huh?)

-------------

Goal: A happy home that advocates security and well-being of the entire family.

We recognize that the ways we resolve conflicts are only serving to build resentment and disharmonious atmosphere. We want to improve and strive for the following things:

Mutual respect
Happiness
Conflict Resolution that WORKS!
Freedom to make choices

Essentially, we want to be the sanctuary in a scary world. They will come to find out on their own what unfair is, etc. We do not want the children to conform to rules that they are not meant to follow, we do not want the children to learn to follow directions when they can creatively figure things out on their own, and we do not want the children to be bullied or learn to be bullies.

(Sidenote: I find myself recalling what someone said about DS9 and responsibility. How he needs to learn to stick to his commitments, etc. He had wanted Karate, but after a few months lost interest. Well, what he really needed was to know that it was okay to leave something you just weren't interested in anymore. It's okay to change your mind. Especially at 8-9 years old!)

Implementation:
A.) First Step! [Deep Thinking]
1) Recognize the issues at hand.

We feel there is no self-control, that the kids are learning that from us.
We send conflicting messages, even the children said so themselves.
We expect them to follow orders to what *we* think or want to be done, rather than realizing that they may think differently on what should or could be done.

2) Re-Define Parenthood/Childhood.

As parents, we are obligated to have their needs met. As we chose this, we should happily do so.
As children, they only perceive the immediate needs and wants that they have.
Parents have the tools to help children retrieve their own tools to understand what it is they want and need. In this, parents help each other have their needs/wants met, and can also do the same for their children.

B.) Second Step! [Total and Utter Trust In Each Other]
1) Start With Ourselves.

Understand that our frustrations are not really the child's faults.
Avoid term usages like, "Obey me," "What's wrong with you?", "Don't be a brat", etc.
When children use similar term usages ("I hate you!"), don't react. Rather, make light of it and help him/her defuse. Ask how that makes them feel, why they say that, and inform them how horrid/rude it sounds, how that makes us as parents feel, etc. Give him brief hugs, walk away.

2) Embrace the Children.

Who/what are the children to us? What makes them so special?
If they are reacting negatively, there is a valid issue that needs to be resolved, rather than giving lectures, telling them off, or criticizing them.
Be open to them and their problems, needs, and wants. This is what I do for you, that I care enough to listen without judgment. The children deserve that.

C.) Third Step! [Household Rules]
1) Turn Around.

Stop restricting tv, computer, game time, dinnertime, and bedtime.
Stop expecting them to remember what was told to them 10-15 mins ago.
Reduce yelling, more talking/hugs/silence/listening/respect.
Stop taking "privileges". It is a home, not a prison where they are only privileged for behavior modification.

2) Life Live.

Play with them, as well as allowing them to have as much playtime as possible in any way, alone or otherwise.
Get them involved in your things, if only they are interested. Make it 'our things'.
When someone gets frustrated, angry, etc to the point they scream, something is very very wrong and they want you to listen. Give advice only when they ask.
Don't take things too personally. If they say no to cleaning, they may really just not be in the mindset to do it. If they don't like what you made for dinner, it's okay. They don't say or do things with the full intention of harm or disrespect. They don't always or ever know that they've done so.
Keep a mindset of "always learning, always improving".

Sources:
http://sandradodd.com/balance
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/tenwaysjanhunt.html
http://www.doliferight.com/blog/2008/01/16/tv-or-not-tv-that-is-the-question/
http://www.doliferight.com/blog/2009/05/07/stop-being-so-selfish/
http://www.doliferight.com/blog/2007/10/27/meanest-mom-in-the-whole-wide-world/
http://www.doliferight.com/blog/2007/09/20/what-not-to-say-to-children/
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/tv%20and%20video%20games/grandtheftauto.html
http://sandradodd.com/chores/intro
http://sandradodd.com/eating/idea

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So far, so good. The kids are happy today. Their homework has been done quickly, they chose the pace of getting it done and where to do the homework, but I wish they could just choose to not do it at all. However, the moment they were done, there was chaos. They went from the computer to playing in their rooms back to the computer. They have been playing with their toys in the living room and making loud noises that would have bothered me before. They asked me for help with typing things in google search, finding Cartoon Network games, and putting in usernames and passwords.

Steven came home from work at 4:15 pm. He looked so worn out that I insisted he take a nap. So, now the kids are quietly at the computer, the dogs are resting, and the love of my life is napping.

That concludes the first post of our family. Whew.

Edited to Add: Oh man, I am lawling my butt off here. I had put "Unattachment Parenting" in my labels in the rush to get my labels written down. Well, you know what, I do believe Unattachment Parenting is a method. It's what we have been doing all along, so we're taking the steps to hmm.. dis-unattach parent? Does this make sense? Nevermind, I'll just keep that as a label and add the attachment parenting one. ;D After all, there certainly is a difference between the two that are noted in this blog.